Archive for category Hominidiots
At various times, most often after a near-collision with some gawping halfwit walking or driving with his head lowered at a 90-degree angle from the anatomical position, I’ve concluded that if I were somehow given the power to eradicate all text-messaging from Earth with a snap of my fingers, I’d do it with little hesitation. Moreover, I’d do it even if the entire world knew that I was unique responsible for this tiny step toward a less fuckheaded global society.
Many millions of people would be outraged beyond measure, including, perhaps, most of the people reading this; within this aggrieved group, at least a few hundred would be angry and reckless enough to concoct and attempt to carry out a plan to literally kill me.
Assuming that I was even concerned enough about this situation to take evasive action, to I’d have to go into permanent or semi-permanent hiding like Salman Rushdie or Edward Snowden. But I wouldn’t care. I would sometimes rather be living in a remote bark part of the Blue Ridge, subsisting on grubs, bark and the occasional morsel obtained during a dumpster-diving sortie under cover of darkness, than have to confront the excoriating downsides of living in a society in which the functional illiteracy of practically every teenager and most adults is floridly put on display in concert with dangerous driving or perambulation.
You don’t have to remind me of the many unrivaled conveniences of this mode of communication. I’m aware of every one of them and have put most of them to use just as you have, sometimes being moved to hammer a closed fist repeatedly into my crotch all the while thanks to a combination of frustration, rage and shame. My answer to this is that text messages almost always originate with devices that function as telephones, which means that anything you absolutely need to convey at that moment can be spoken out loud to your target. Almost without exception, you could also send an e-mail instead, which in most cases is like sending a more considered, less idiotic and abrasive and pointless text.
“But what if I’m not always able to talk?” whine you. “What if I’m in class, or at work, or masturbating to a noisy political debate?”
Tough shit, retort I. In a real emergency, I’m sure you can stop what you’re doing and find a way to make a call or send an e-mail. Deal with it. Plan ahead better. Bring a book with you in case you get bored during the eight whole minutes you have to wait for the bus or whatever.
A somewhat more relaxed and even useful policy would be to force the phone companies charge $1 for any text messages sent and read, 75 cents of which would be donated to a charity selected by the account owner at the time he or she signs up for service. This would eliminate most ill-considered and gratuitous texts as well as increase the operating budgets of the ASPCA, the American Red Cross, and various disease-research entities. It would probably pour more money into hate groups like the KKK and the Southern Baptist Convention, but om balance it would stand as an extremely useful policy.
Oh, and Tweet this if you like it, and better yet if you don’t.
How stupid do telemarketers think people are?
Today I answered my phone while driving to pick up a friend from her job, an ignominy I manage to steadfastly avoid. I thought it might be her so I didn’t look at the number, which was 303-415-2514 and is owned by New Mark Telecommunications on 4450 Arapahoe Avenue, Boulder.
“Hal-looooooou?” (Me being formal as always.)
“Hi there! How are you today?” (Hmmmm. My friend doesn’t have a Spanish accent.)
“Uh, good. Whom are you calling?” (Getting suspicious, yeah.)
“I am looking for the owner of this phone number!” (Optimistic as hell.)
“Oh. Well he ain’t fuckin’ here!” (No longer so jaunty.)
She was still babbling after I said this and was in the process of hanging up.
Seriously. I ask who the call’s for and if someone basically says, “Oh, anyone!” I’m expected to show interest? And this leaves aside the fact that it pisses me off that I get any bullshit calls to begin with (not to mention the occasional hello from bill collectors looking for my number’s previous owner, whom I believe to be in jail).
…to try to make the entire GOP look like a bunch of howling, ignorant screwballs.
In the course of looking for a detailed county-by-county election-results map, I happened across a blog called “Give Us Liberty 1776,” which is apparently a reference to the year in which a present-day country the blog creators know little about declared its independence from the British Empire.
The first post that caught my eye was titled “Obama did not win a single state that requires photo IDs to vote.” I didn’t have to read a single word of the post itself to formulate a response, but I did, and the level of dishonesty and ignorance in this surreal waste of time and effort is extreme even by the standards of a Wingnut Daily contributor.
I left a comment that most likely will not be approved by the mods. Here it is: Read the rest of this entry »
Near the Empire State Building yesterday, NYPD officers shot and killed a recently fired man who had just executed his ex-boss by putting five rounds in his head. In the process, they wounded nine bystanders on the crowded Midtown sidewalk.
For whatever reason (I can think of better examples), this has catalyzed a lot of Internet discussion concerning the claim in the title of this post. I want to use what I believe is a credible, almost assured scenario to explain why this idea is as ridiculous as any other cast forth by the rabid faction of the pro-gun crowd. (I am not against private gun ownership, within limits.) Read the rest of this entry »
As always, I can’t resist the combination of supreme confidence and spectacular ignorance. It’s what made NBC’s The Office — the central theme of which is Michael Scott’s unremitting self-delusion concerning his own capabilities and esteem — such a hit. And it’s what makes Gribbit, the rabidly anti-socialism blogger who lives on a government paycheck, such an enchanting wreck of a commentator. (Unlike Scott, Gribbit lacks the sort of nominal charm and that accompanies good-hearted cluelessness and guilelessness, and is merely a malignant asshole. (His attempts to keep people from cutting and pasting, or even linking to, his content are also a continued source of amusement.)
This is great. Sam Harris’ responses to criticism of his essays and views are always perfect, but then he would not have gotten to where he is without a pachydermal bearing.
…and in a similarly shocking vein, certain Jamaicans are suspected of cultivating marijuana.
One nice thing about leaving my otherwise treasured home state of New Hampshire is that I don’t have to see first-hand the parade of Republican hopefuls who — thanks to New Hampshire having the nation’s first presidential primary election — begin flooding the place in pre-election years when there’s a Democrat or two-term GOP-er in the White House. This year, more than in any other, virtually all of them hold fifth-degree idiotbelts, from the no-hopers to Obama’s potential adversaries. It’s a sad day when someone like Mitt Romney has to be given credit for admitting that human-caused climate change is at least worth a look.
Rick Perry, the Texas governor known as much for his coif as his stances, told a crowd in Bedford that he’s a global warming skeptic. This in itself is no surprise. Perry represents a state with colossal fossil-fuel interests and has previously hit all of the podunk low points, from advocating “Intelligent Design” to opposing same-sex marriage to condemning abortions. As someone pandering to a citizenry like Texas’s, he has no choice but to support such causes. Read the rest of this entry »
Yesterday afternoon, three women were robbed at gunpoint in broad daylight on the busiest recreation path in Boulder. This sort of thing almost never happens around here, but the incident comes on the relatively close heels of the shooting death of University of New Hampshire football player Todd Walker, who attempted to intervene in a robbery on University Hill.
Last night I overheard someone discussing yesterday’s robbery, and at the end of his soliloquy he declared that this was the kind of thing that would continue happening thanks to people defaulting on their mortgages, losing their jobs and otherwise suffering the ravages of a shitty economy. This wasn’t the first time I’d heard some version of this claim, not the second, nor even the tenth. It’s a bona fide meme, and I’ve never believed it.
Think about it: How often do you see canned CFO’s and out-of-work software consultants jailed for pulling a gun on a random person in the hope of grabbing maybe fifty or sixty bucks? People of means happily commit crimes, but do not typically indulge in such offenses as robbery, burglary, larceny and other brute-force malfeasance. Instead, they defraud banks, skim from their employers, commit identity fraud and do end runs around the IRS.
That’s obviously (I hope) not an example of irony.
“Ironic” may be the most misunderstood and misapplied adjective in frequent use. It’s a tricky word; ironically, it can be hard to distinguish irony from its diametric opposite. But while it’s understandable and no big deal that the rank and file continually misuses the word “ironic,” one would hope that broadcast journalists in a major metropolitan area would know better, or at least that their producers would.
This morning, one of the Denver news stations ran a story about the wind-induced collapse of a stage at the Indianapolis State Fair that killed four people. The anchorwoman had something very close to this to say: “Ironically, an announcer warned the crowd of severe weather just a minute before the collapse.”
Okay, let’s break this down. Someone points out that the weather is getting nasty, and an element of that nasty weather nastily wrecks something. That’s irony? If so, then so is “Ironically, after spending eight hours in the Florida sun, Maine vacationer Charlene McGillicuddy suffered a terrible sunburn. Now, had the announcer in Indianapolis boasted that the facility had just received the “Safest Set-Up of 2011” from the American Association of Fairground Structures right before the collapse, that would have been ironic. Coincidence is not irony. Unfortunate timing, like last night’s, is not irony. In fact, I’d guess that in four out of every five instances of someone using the word “ironically,” replacing it with “not surprisingly” or “sure enough” would create a far more coherent delivery.
Whenever I develop an unhealthy desire to learn what Idiot America’s latest delusional belief system has bred, I check out Gribbit’s blog, since at all times he reliably has his clubbed and syndactylous fingers on the pulse of the feeble and fluttering heart of right-wing stupidity.
Gribbit’s posts invariably assume one of two forms. He either makes claims based on his skimming of either self-parodic “news” sources such as WorldNet Daily or mainstream articles he doesn’t understand (and often say the opposite of what he thinks they do) or he skips the sources part and flat-out makes shit up. His latest post is an example of the latter. Read the rest of this entry »
Recently I made a note of the exorbitant prevalence of OCD or OCD-like behavior in copy editors, specifically those associated with a company I do a fair amount of “work” for. (It’s a content mill and nothing more, and I’ve become so disenchanted with the whole operation that I no longer write under my real name.) Since I posted that stuff — and possibly because I posted it — things have taken some amusing and spectacular turns for the worse, or better, depending on your taste for schadenfreude. Read the rest of this entry »
The world’s full of ignorant and constitutively unintelligent people. As the emergence of the Internet has shown, this shambling and insufferable army of halfwits is just as eager to offer opinions as those who can actually read, think, and process information above what I’d refer to as a simian level if I were fucking drunk and feeling less than charitable. Among these hominid-pundits who technically qualify as human beings are Gribbit and Ikester7579 (Andrew Richardson and Isaac Bourne respectively). If I were indeed plastered and inclined to engage in facile ways to upset these assholes, I’d write this post in a manner that would force Google to index additional evidence of the haplessness of Andrew Richardson of Dayton, Ohio (Gribbit) and Isaac Bourne of Jacksonville (Ikester 7579) and link it to their real names.
That dumbasses want to be heard just as much as others do is not at all surprising; in fact, it’s to be expected, and at some level it’s even acceptable. Before the Web, fuckheads who in a sensible world keep their delusions and misapprehensions to themselves had few options for sharing them beyond the walls of their trailers and group homes. They could disseminate their useless ideas was by writing incoherent letters to newspapers, creating illegible newsletters, and meeting in the basement of Cletus’ Snack Shack in Twat Rot, Alabama to trade insights about how to best deal with Negroes, liberals, the godless and other enemies of the trout-faced and toothless. Beyond that? Not much; functional illiterates have a hard time infiltrating higher-visibility venues such as the mainstream media, colleges, and book publishers (all of which are controlled by vindictive, godless Jew-communists anyway). Read the rest of this entry »
That way the swamp-crickets of America can run around assuring everyone that Obama didn’t engineer it, the troops did, courtesy of the previous president’s legacy of savvy foreign policy.
This is one aspect of rednecks I hadn’t considered until I thought about getting hammered and writing a post like this. It’s no secret that they’re steeped in Jesus juice, extremely fond of the idea of war, staunch Obama haters, and inordinately proud to be part of the same “greatest nation on Earth” that they routinely complain about, keenly unaware that the kielbasa-choked guts protruding from beneath their Dale Earnhardt Jr. T-shirts are not places in which people with viable opinions localize their most aggressive thought processes. Read the rest of this entry »
“Tell them Osama’s dead without proof of a body & they celebrate. Tell them Jesus died & rose without proof of a body & they speculate.”
This was the recent Facebook status of someone a friend of mine has been close to since childhood. That this is a logical Hindenburg is self-evident, but I’ll address it anyway.
My friend is conflicted about her relationships with most the people she’s known the longest, and understandably so. One hand, she grew up flitting at all times on the edges of being a ward of the state thanks to one of those chaotic rural Southern upbringings that seems too stereotypical to be real, a life extracted from a Harry Crews novel. She has few surviving close family members, and her chief allies in life besides her husband are cousins and childhood pals who together from an unofficial united front against progressive politics, exercise, sobriety, and godlessness. It’s more a little hard to take for my friend, who graduated second in her class in a prominent law school, is a dedicated runner, despises most Republicans, and has a Facebook feed that looks like the ass end of an all-you-can-eat tent revival sponsored jointly by NASCAR and Pabst Blue Ribbon. These people have been mainstays in a tumultuous life and she would never turn her back on them, but at times she either has to mentally mute their serial cognitive recklessness or check into the Crazy Inn herself. Read the rest of this entry »