On the evening of November 4th, when it became clear early on that Barack Obama would become the next president of the United States in a landslide win, anyone perusing conservative blogs of the obscure, primitive sort noticed a disturbing and unmistakable unity: These people weren’t just upset that their candidate was getting shellacked, they were practically ready to take to the streets in mass numbers and start shooting over it.
I remember plenty of Democrats who were disappointed after the 2004 election, but don’t recall any them engaging in the same kind of baldly violent and divisive rhetoric that wingers seem compelled to ejaculate. It could just be that Democrats tend to be better educated and therefore more capable of subtlety, but I don’t believe this accounts for much of the difference. No, the ineluctable fact is that the Republican Party is a lightning rod for hot-headed imbeciles.
Well, the gnashing of right-leaning teeth and the braying of angry, nonsensical assertions from the hilljack crowd is at nowhere near the level it was just over a month ago. It’s far worse.
A very basic fact that escapes all of these startlingly clueless yammerers is that Barack Obama has not yet taken office. He hasn’t had a chance to screw up. He has not implemented a single bit of policy. He has as much say in what the president decides to do right now as I do. Yet this doesn’t stop the members of the mob from howling about all of the horrible things that will befall America starting yesterday thanks to the liberal scum who failed to see the utility of putting a cranky old fuck in the Oval Office alongside the glowing intellectual acumen of Sarah Palin. (The damage done to the U.S. in the past eight years and the foul legacy Obama will inherit is obviously inconsequential in the “minds” of these people.)
My archetypal right-wing cretin is Gribbit. (Click on that link at your peril–another thing common to dipshit bloggers is their fondness for countless widgets and bad scripts that slow visitors’ computers to the point that they are operating at about the processing speed of the offending bloggers’ brains.) Every now and then I have a visit to his little volcano of hate to see if he’s suffered a nasty knock on the head and started making at least a little sense, and of course I instead discover each time that he appears to have upped his consumption of fluids from the Love Canal or infused whatever dank room he blogs from with a high concentration of ether. He is such a rambling font of bad cliches and Fox News/Michelle Malkin hand-me-downs that it is almost quaint. He is a cartoon character who creates new blog categories just to emphasize how furious he is (“Barack Hussein Obama” isn’t enough, so he’s also got “Barack Hussein Obama lies” to go with “Libtards on parade,” “Homosexual agenda,” “Lunatic Lefties,” “Humor,” and “Stupidity,” the last two being especially funny for reasons that obviously escape Gribbit) .
If you dare hit the link, scroll down to the story about recent murders in Chicago. You see, Gribbit is claiming that Obama is out of line in speaking ill of the war in Iraq, because there were 23 murders in his own hometown in the month of November. The implication of Obama saying anything bad about the war effort is that he plainly doesn’t care about these murders that happened in his very own coutry. That’s right, Gribbit said that. And he means it. And he has said other, equally stupid things, and he means those, too. But as colossal an affront to basic perception as Gribbit’s blog may be, there are countless other shrewish specimens just like him perched at their keyboards at this very moment, tap-tap-tapping out the same kind of proudly illogical tripe as their beetle brows wrinkle in blind consternation.
You don’t have to like the fact that Obama was elected, but he’s going to be your leader. Give the man a chance to fail, people. Better yet: Give him a chance to become president. If that seems like too tall an order, then take a massive dose of Xanax every morning so that you’re out of commission until Inauguration Day and can therefore avoid the risk of winding up either on a locked psychiatric ward or in a coronary care unit in the interim. Your four regular blog readers won’t miss you, in no small part because they too will be zonked to the tips of their tits on benzodiazepines.
Then again, why should I act surprised at any of this? Most people are thoroughgoing idiots, and those types of people are either more prone to irrational outbursts of anger or simply less equipped to deal with it in a manner than allows them to move forward or at least hide or sublimate it. Go for a run, buy a kickboxing bag, play a violent video game for twelve hours straight, find a better porn site than the ones you’ve already bookmarked, or jump in front of a speeding city bus. But Christ in a caboose, show some pride and quit blathering to yourself on the damned Internet in a way that only makes you look more infantile and ignorant with every aggrieved word in the event that someone actually discovers your shit-stained electronic cave.