Ten questions inspired by an ordinary trip to the supermarket:
- Why are bagels so much more expensive than bread?
- Why is jam so much more expensive than jelly?
- Every time I go shopping, I encounter at least one person (usually elderly, but not always) who stands gawping at shelves from the middle on an aisle, utterly oblivious to the fact that she’s blocking someone’s path. Do you ever wonder if you do this to people and never realize it because no one gives you grief about it?
- When something is advertised as being “10 for $10.00,” do you reckon you’re getting one over on the store by only buying seven (four more than you’ll eat in the next year)?
- Have you ever tried to figure out if jam sandwiches are less expensive than jelly on a bagel?
- Have you ever hidden a rack of ribs way behind a bunch of cereal boxes just to see how long they would stay there?*
- Do you have a particular item offering lots of varieties that you agonize over endlessly, every time? Mine is salad dressing. I stand gawping in the aisle, probably blocking some poor impatient bastard’s path without ever knowing it.
- Have you ever wondered how much money you save by eating jelly sandwiches rather than spreading jam on a bagel?
- Have you ever walked out of a store and realized that every single item you purchased was store-brand? This happened to me once at a Publix in Sunrise, Florida.
- Have you ever caught yourself singing quietly along to an elevatorized (elevated?) version of an eighties song? If so, did you want to kill yourself in sheer horror when you caught yourself doing it?
*A college buddy of mine actually did this at a Price Chopper in Burlington, Vermont. Sure enough, the mass of rotting flesh remained there for over a week, well past the point where the stank was noticeable from the middle of the aisle.