Women: Your toilets may be a mystery to you

I’ve been meaning to mention this for a long time. Not really, but here’s something women may wants to be aware of–your toilets may be grossly unclean, and you may not know it. The reason I am addressing this to females will become clear shortly.
First, let me describe a recent experience. I was in the home of a couple where the husband had recently undergone a routine colonoscopy. As a prelude to what I’m sure was a thoroughly enjoyable procedure, he had to consume some sort of electrolyte solution the day before that functions, I am guessing, as an osmotic laxative or otherwise acts to cleanse the colon. I’m sure the GI folks appreciate the convenience of this, but the upshot is obviously that the patient spends much of the 12 or so hours beforehand blasting geysers of something akin to faecal matter out of his ass, although I bet the output more closely resembles muddy water.

Anyway, I used the loo in this otherwise very clean home, and when I lifted the toilet seat so I could piddle without leaving any evidence for the lady of the house to sit on, I was aghast at the amount of backsplatter on the underside of the seat. It looked like the thing had once belonged to Andy Warhol after a bad night of LSD and Ex-Lax. In fact, I’m not quite sure how shit splatters in some of the directions it does, and specifically how it gets around the rump of the person doing the excreting, but that’s another subject.
Anyway, I wondered–not for the first time in my life–how people with clean houses could have such unkempt toilets. How could they just ignore it?
Then a light went on: When you’re in a residence where the woman does the bulk of the cleaning, you are dealing with a situation where the cleaning person literally has no idea that the shit on the underside of the seat is even there. This is because women never lift the seat before using the toilet.
Now, a responsible toilet cleaner will shift around all of the contraption’s moving parts in the course of tidying (even I do this). After all, once you’ve accepted the task at hand, you accept that you’re going to be dealing with urine marks, shit shits, pubes, puke stains, and worse, assuming worse exists. But there are plenty of women and men who do a decent, albeit superficial, job of cleaning a toilet while getting away with not going to extra–and in some cases necessary–mile.
It’s especially funny to a douchenozzle like me to make the discovery of Major Undersplatter when you’re in the home of a single woman who receives few visitors and you know she’s the one responsible for the artistry. I can’t help but get a very cheap and private laugh in such scenarios, and never once have a taken steps to quietly rectify matters even when I could have.
Anyway, jut a nice bit of TMI that isn’t even really I.

10 thoughts on “Women: Your toilets may be a mystery to you”

  1. Very funny, Kevin! I may be perverse, but I love to read toilet stories. Perhaps this is because after my divorce I was forced to face the issue; I’d never cleaned a toilet before but I eventually felt the need to learn that skill, which is really an essential one if you ever have hopes of house guests returning!

  2. In fact, I’m not quite sure how shit splatters in some of the directions it does.

    It’s easy, just sit on the seat and explode.

  3. Bill from Dover is right. One good eruption from the Poo-cano can really paint the landscape brown. And kill some villagers in the process.

  4. Splatter happens because the anus is not a nozzle designed for flow, it is a sphincter that normally holds back semi-solid material. Liquid under pressure is contrary to its normal operation. Add gas pressure to the mix and… blooie!
    I’ve been through that kind of medical preparation, but we keep cleaning supplies in the bathroom. So I cleaned it up myself. I’d be too embarrassed to expect someone else to do it.

  5. Hmm, maybe you also learned that the man of the house didn’t “[lift] the toilet seat so [he] could piddle without leaving any evidence for the lady of the house to sit on.”

  6. After a bout of campylobacter I was wondering not only how it got onto the underside of the seat, but how it ended up on the walls as well. Apparently that 1/4″ space between the seat and the bowl will let a lot of stuff through.

  7. In addition to the Poo-cano effect, there’s also the effect of subsequent flushing, which can give rise to a Poo-geyser, or Poo-terspout, if you will. Good reason to place your toothbrush holder far from the toilet.

  8. I had no idea I was so clean. ALWAYS lift the seat, and clean the underside as well as the top, the top of the lid and the underside of the lid. Do it with bleach. Also, bleach the bowl. Scrub vigorously, wearing gloves. I thought all people were trained to do this when they went to live on their own for the first time? Clearly, sheltered am I.

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