Florida lawmakers honking to criminalize sex with animals

As Carl Hiaasen reports, Florida legislators are reintroducing a 2006 bill that would make bestilaity a third-degree felony, punishable by a $5,000 fine and up to five years in prison.

The cry for justice first arose from the small Panhandle community of Mossy Head, where in 2006 a 48-year-old man was suspected of abducting a neighbor family’s pet goat and accidentally strangling it with its collar during a sex act.
I wish I were making this up, but the story is true. The poor goat’s name was Meg.tors have re-introduced a bill drafted a couple of years ago that would make bestiality a third-degree felony, punishable by up to five years in prison and a $5,000 fine.

It’s hardly draconian to have laws on the books keeping people from screwing animals; the consequences can, after all, obviously be fatal and constitute cruelty in any case. But this sort of thing emphasizes how lovably clueless some elected officials can be in Florida.

[T]he discussion among lawmakers of this rather delicate topic already has provided a few uncomfortable moments.
As [state senator Nan] Rich’s bill was being amended to make sure that some common animal-husbandry practices were exempt, Sen. Larcenia Bullard of Miami spoke up in puzzlement.
”People are taking these animals as their husbands? What’s husbandry?” she inquired.
The committee chairman, Sen. Charlie Dean of Citrus County, patiently explained that animal husbandry was a term used for the rearing and care of domestic animals.
Still, Bullard appeared confused.
”So that maybe was the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey?” she asked, an apparent reference to the recent incident in which a pet chimpanzee was shot by Connecticut police after it went berserk and mauled a visitor.

And from the “only in Florida” department:

As fervently as we might hope otherwise, the goat-sex attack in Mossy Head wasn’t an isolated incident. Rich says other disturbing acts against animals have been reported throughout the state, including the molestation of a horse in the Keys and of a seeing-eye dog in Tallahassee.
The latter case involved a 29-year-old blind man who four years ago was charged with ”breach of the peace” after admitting to police that he had sex on numerous occasions with a yellow Labrador named Lucky, his guide dog.

Lucky, my ass.

7 thoughts on “Florida lawmakers honking to criminalize sex with animals”

  1. As a former Floridian and continued Hiassen devotee, I am happy to see you provide evidence that his books are not at all contrived or off the mark. Of course, Carl has more talent in his left pinky than I would have in ten lives, but he has an amazing amount of true-life fodder for his books.
    Sick Puppy, for example, sounds like an impossible convergence of over-the-top characters yet each of those folks exists in our beloved Sunshine State.
    I like this note from Carl’s biography:

    To prove that he doesn’t just make up all the sick stuff in his books, Hiaasen has also published two collections of his newspaper columns, Kick Ass and Paradise Screwed, both courageously edited by Diane Stevenson.

  2. Abel Pharmboy
    Having read a lot of Hiassen’s fiction, I too am delighted and appalled to see that many of his bizarre, fictional characters are not so fictional…

  3. Stupid questions!:
    Would having a dog/cat/some-other-pet licking its owner’s genitalia (maybe by smearing food on said genitalia as an incentive, but no grabbing of the pet’s head) be considered a bestiality crime? Would it be reported simply as “having sex with the pet”?
    Just wondering. As long as an explanation comes with the answers, feel free to add “Duh!” to your answers.
    Also, I’m allergic to furry animals, so this is something I cannot do even if I wanted to.

  4. But will the animals have to testify in court?
    And, if they do, what if they say it was concentual?

  5. ”People are taking these animals as their husbands? What’s husbandry?” she inquired.

    Sigh. Yet another example of insufficient pedagogy.

  6. Dammit, can’t you just keep your goat-fucking in the closet, Florida, and stop embarrassing me? I’m almost ready to be called a New Yorker rather than a Floridian.
    Actually, Monimonika brings up a great point. There are some finer technical issues that must be addressed. I, for one, would love to see our state legislature debating the intricacies of bestiality. “The gentleman from Okaloosa county respectfully submits an amendment excluding the oral stimulation of genitals via the enticement of peanut butter or other food stuffs which may have inadvertently been placed on the human genitals.”

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