I always knew I should have been an SNL writer

Some years ago, a product aimed at reducing snoring and nasal congestion called the Breathe-Right strip hit the market. Perhaps it serves this function admirably, but it wasn’t long before elite runners were endorsing these things (among them world marathon record holder Paula Radcliffe), and in this context the strips are clearly useless. I don’t care how much you can mechanically dilate your nasal passages; when your oxygen requirements shoot up from resting values by a factor of ten or twenty, you’re not going to meet these increased demands by breathing through your nose. In this I hate untrammeled confidence.
Anyway, in the interest of being juvenile and poking fun at the Breathe-Right strip, I came up with the idea of something called a Fart-Rite strip, which would decrease embarrassingly loud public bouts of flatulence. I didn’t get to the point of drawing diagrams or looking into patent attorneys, but the thought was good for a minute or so of private amusement.
Sure enough, Saturday Night Live’s mock commercial this week was something called a Butt-Rite strip, the function of which was exactly what I’d envisioned for my similarly named non-product. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen one of “my” ideas on SNL. I’m glad someone is fighting the good fight to disseminate completely puerile ideas through the viewing population of the United States.
Speaking of television, I’ve decided that if there’s one kind of commercial that might lead me to actually smash my TV set, it’s the ads for online dating services. For some reason they really chap my ass, probably because they pretend that it’s a given that you’ll meet your dream partner in a jiffy if you just sign up, whereas I know through ample second-hand experience that most of the time these contrived dates are fucking disasters. Then again, I’m projecting a lot of my own bitterness onto these ads, which are hardly the only ones out there exaggerating the efficacy of the featured product, and I also know I would never use them even if they were wildly useful for others. Mostly I just hate seeing people happy on TV unless it’s real, in which case I just change the channel to something more suitable.

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  1. #1 by mgordon on March 15, 2009 - 7:11 pm

    Side effects include increased sharting and intense tighty whitey streaking.

  2. #2 by Bill from Dover on March 16, 2009 - 12:20 am

    My Pet Goat. Now I get it.

  3. #3 by Bill from Dover on March 16, 2009 - 12:20 am

    My Pet Goat. Now I get it.

  4. #4 by Warren on March 16, 2009 - 2:09 pm

    I loved the Butt-Rite strip so much, I bought the company!

  5. #5 by Michael Render on March 16, 2009 - 3:59 pm

    I want a strip that makes my flatulence louder. I mean, what’s the point of stifling?
    My brother met his wife using an online dating service. I never hear the end of it.

  6. #6 by Dervin on March 16, 2009 - 4:20 pm

    Reminds me of an old joke. The punch line is “Look Fellas, a virgin.”

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