There are allusions to “bonobo scat spattered walls” here at the Refuge. Time to go one better. I am scheduled for a colonoscopy tomorrow. This will be my second such procedure so I have an idea of what to expect. I haven’t found any problem with the procedure itself, but the prep is tad, shall we say, messy. Here’s what it looks like:
Three days prior, no more fresh fruit or vegetables, and no nuts. This kills me because that’s about one third of my diet. OK, so I can live on canned fruit for a while, but morning cereal without my usual blueberries, strawberries, etc. is depressing. Oh, and no dried fruit stuff either due to skin and/or seeds. There goes more snack food.
So now the “fun” stuff. The day before the procedure (today) it’s a clear liquid only diet. And Jell-O. Joy of joys. At 2 PM I am to take 2 Dulcolax tablets to “get things moving”. At 6 PM, I am instructed to mix an entire 238 gram bottle of Miralax in a 64 ounce bottle of sports drink (I chose lemon-lime) and drink 8 ounces every 10-15 minutes until it’s finished. So that’s nearly two liters of laxative-spiked Gatorade in maybe an hour and a half. Here’s the part I love on the instruction sheet: “Expect everything you drink to pass through the rectum”. That’s an understatement. If past experience is any guide that should read “Expect everything you drink to rocket out of your anus at near hypersonic velocity. You may wish to flush mid-rifle to ensure that the bowl doesn’t overflow.”
And just in case that’s not enough, it’s two more Dulcolax tablets at 8 PM.
I think it would be easier if they just had you sit on a firehose. If there’s anything left in there after this procedure, I’d have to guess that it’s welded in place.
Obviously, there’s nothing to eat or drink after midnight. In fact, that’s one of the first things they ask when you check in: “Have you had anything to eat or drink since midnight?” The instructions are quite explicit, so asked if anyone ever answered “yes” to that query. The nurse said that it sometimes happens, and in fact, one fellow answered “Yes, I had a chili-dog for breakfast this morning.”
Needless to say, his procedure was cancelled for that day.