20 requirements for a wingnut blog

(This is a companion piece to this video, and develops its themes further.)

If you don’t think that people not only swallow the most outrageous lies coming from the right these days but nurture them, you haven’t spent enough time perusing wingnut blogs. And I don’t just mean conservative blogs on the whole, I mean the functionally illiterate types who have no problem condemning the science behind global warming even though the extent of their research and schooling in the area reaches no further than knowing how to tell whether it’s raining.

The real hard cases are clearly trying to make up for shortcomings in their personal lives. They don’t really care about politics or the country’s future; they just want to be heard, as in their meatspace lives they are largely social isolates no one would listen to.

Here are the things you’l almost always find:

1. Some kind of “badass” long or header: a cartoon bulldog with sunglasses, Sarah Connor from The Terminator packing heat, that sort of thing.
2. Large American flags and associated stuff, such as bald eagles or a rendering of General Patton. After all, these people intent on fucking up the country are its greatest fans.
3. A PayPal donation button. It’s funny–the bloggers railing against socialism are usually the ones asking for handouts to keep a free Blogspot blog going.
4. A huge number of graphics in total, normally arranged in a random sidebar jumble. This causes the page to load in no more than about 15 seconds. Just awful Web design in general.
5. Badly misspelled words, often in the blog title itself.
6. Posts that are often 90% cut-and-pasted articles and 10% “Yeah, loony libtards!” sorts of sentiments to wrap things up.
7. Quotes from Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, etc.
8. Daily references to people like Rush Limbaugh, as in, “Rush nailed it again…” or “Glenn Beck eckoes my sentimants perfectly…”
9. Fifth-degree hypocrisy and self-contradiction. For example, a complaint about the all-left media followed by a boast of FOX “News'” ratings and the dominance for righty talk radio.
10. Complete ignorance of the subject matter, e.g., railing that “I don’t want to fund socialized medicine” from someone making $20K and therefore just slightly under the $250K starting point for increased taxation.
11. An explosive temper, making it fun to comment on these blogheaps.
12. A habit of banning people or deleting and altering their comments by way of seeking infantile revenge.
13. Self-aggrandizing claims: “I am a sharpshooter for the SWAT Team and I can’t wait for the New Red Dawn so I can start shooting liberals, immigrants and homosexuals.”
14. Hypocrisy: NO SOCIALIZED MEDICINE AND DON’T TAKE AWAY MY MEDICARE!!!
15. ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME.
16. Mad love for Sarah Palin.
17. The belief that Malkin the lemon-faced gargoyle is a physically beautiful human being.
18. Blaming every one of Bush’s fuckups and examples of raw malfeasance on Clinton and congressional Democrats.
19. A consistent need to agitate blindly against their own self-interest when it comes to economic policies.
20. Delusions about what the 2010 midterm elections are certain to entail.

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  1. #1 by howbigspill on August 12, 2009 - 1:55 pm

    Right on! Good stuff. :)

    P.S. A little FYI. The word “sentimants” is misspelled. And I didn’t proofread the entire piece.

  2. #2 by kemibe on August 12, 2009 - 2:27 pm

    howbigspill–

    ‘Twas intentional as I was quoting a hypothetical wingnut!

    KB

    • #3 by howbigspill on August 12, 2009 - 2:54 pm

      You’re quite right. I see the quotes now. D’oh! My sincere apologies. You were on top of your game!

  3. #4 by Crudely Wrott on August 12, 2009 - 8:04 pm

    And don’t forget the appeals. To the victims, the children, the poor, bent grandparents.

    If you can’t tug on a heart string you won’t get air time.

    Tired stuff from Cal who is an articulate and observant commentator despite his leanings. But he has leaned too far on this and has quite toppled over.

    Oh, the embarrassment.

  4. #5 by mgordon on August 12, 2009 - 10:01 pm

    Regarding #4: Some of those designs remind me of mid 90’s web pages. I half expect to hear a “God Bless America” MIDI start looping somewhere around that 15 minute load time.

    and #13: I don’t recall running into ex-swat but I have run into many claiming to be former Navy Seals, Rangers, etc. and then displaying sub-par intelligence and understanding of the military. Then of course there are the wingnuts that mention that their membership in Mensa. Those usually end up being the craziest.

    • #6 by mgordon on August 12, 2009 - 10:04 pm

      Gawd I wish there was an edit option. Me don’t proofread so well.

  5. #7 by kemibe on August 12, 2009 - 10:21 pm

    Go read that pile of shit at http://www.onebigdog.net. What assholes those two are. They whine about liberals “attacking discourse.” Well, quit fucking lying, you pricks!

    Fuck democracy. All wingnuts, including Rush et al., should be forced to live in some bigass dome, maybe in West Texas, and never allowed to leave it. Then can commiserate with each other, create a MENSA society requiring an IQ of 65, and drool.

  6. #8 by fannie on August 13, 2009 - 1:19 pm

    Ha! This is so true.

    Especially this:

    “1. Some kind of “badass” long or header: a cartoon bulldog with sunglasses, Sarah Connor from The Terminator packing heat, that sort of thing.”

    Just last week I came across two separate hysterical homobigots whose profile pictures were of themselves, scowling, wearing gigantic black Bad Ass Sunglasses.

  7. #9 by kemibe on August 13, 2009 - 1:28 pm

    Fannie–

    Maybe they’re just Mormons needing to read excavated stone tablets?

  8. #10 by Brian X on August 19, 2009 - 3:34 pm

    “Lemon-faced”? Oooh, bad choice of words there. I would have gone with “vinegar-faced” to avoid the racial overtones.

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