I don’t care you who are; that, right there, is funny

I can’t stand Larry the Cable Guy, which makes me all the more eager to steal one of his signature shitphrases. My local newspaper, like many smaller-town rags, regularly publishes a log of recent police activity. Ordinarily this kind of contribution offers nothing but a litany of predictable offenses–domestic tumult, drunk driving, etc. But the Foster’s Daily Democrat guy has untolds amounts of fun with the endeavor, as a recently published spate of miscreation suggests.

Rochester police log

Thursday, October 1, 2009


ROCHESTER — The following items, based on entries in the Rochester Police Log, were selected from 1,595 calls for service from Sept. 3 to 11:

Thursday, Sept. 3

1:49 a.m. — A bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade is hurled through a window on Walnut Street. A Toyota pickup with three juveniles in takes off. Later, police charge a 16-year old with unlawful possession of alcohol and a 17-year-old with unlawful possession of alcohol, possession and use of tobacco products, and criminal mischief.

3:02 a.m. — On Charles Street, four folks yell and scream, for those in bed, fat chance to dream.

6:51 a.m. — A glass bottle was thrown through a car window on Snow Street during the night.

7:29 a.m. — A dead skunk raises a stink on Washington Street.

9:10 a.m. — A Leonard Street woman can describe the thief who tried to steal her son’s bike.

9:55 a.m. — A radar detector has been stolen from an unlocked car on South Elderberry lane.

11:10 a.m. — A Walmart employee has been accused of stealing money.

1:36 p.m. — A piece of equipment has been stolen from an Anderson Lane job site.

1:45 p.m. — A lady being very disruptive at the library is served with a no-trespass order.

1:46 p.m. — Speed limit signs on Whispering Wind Lane have been vandalized.

2:35 p.m. — Nichole Gamlin, 29, of 9 Eastern Ave. is arrested on a bench warrant.

3:58 p.m. — A Moose Lane cat is attacked by another cat. The animal control officer advises the owner on his options.

4:53 p.m. — At the station, a woman reports she is a credit card fraud victim.

5:14 p.m. — At the Lilac Mall Hannaford’s. a red Grand Am is seen pushing a shopping cart into a Nissan Altima, before taking off.

6:06 p.m. — A Woodman Street citizen gets an involuntary emergency admission exam.

8:35 p.m. — Michael K. Wilson, 19, of 16 factory Court, C, is arrested on a bench warrant.

9:21 p.m. — A drunk in a Lafayette Street apartment disturbs everyone else in the building.

10:10 p.m. — At Cold Spring Manor skateboard park, teens yell and smoke and curse and lark.

Friday, Sept. 4

1:19 a.m. — After a traffic stop in front of the court house, Robert Neely, 50, of 156 Old bay Road, A, New Durham is charged with DWI.

3:30 a.m. — A Chestnut Hill Road resident finds a man in his yard, next to his vehicles. The intruder mutters something about looking for a dog, and then takes off.

8:43 a.m. — A dog called Dexter has taken to playing outside Gonic School.

9:21 a.m. — Terry Hartshorn, 42, of 105 Whitehouse Road, 62, is charged with two counts of simple assault.

10:13 a.m. — A woman who left her purse in a Market Basket cart, gets it back intact thanks to an honest citizen.

10:19 a.m. — A windshield is egged on Howard Brook Road.

12:11 p.m. — A bike has washed up at the back of Avis Goodwin Clinic.

2:18 p.m. — Checks stolen in Farmington have been cashed in Rochester.

5:52 p.m. — Stanley W. Hartford, 67, of 2 Dow Court is charged with conduct after an accident.

6:09 p.m. — There are four bunnies, enough for a pie, in a yard near the fairground. However, they are very well cared for and look like family pets, so the caller will look out for them until contacted by the owner.

6:35 p.m. — Two girls and a boy have entered a vacant house on Chestnut Street.

7:02 p.m. — A laptop has been stolen on Heaton Street.

7:15 p.m. — A 17-year-old is charged with simple assault.

9:15 p.m. — Thomas Glenn Binette, 43, of 15 Lincoln St., 2, is charged with simple assault, second degree assault and stalking.

10:40 p.m. — Citizens parked in Rochester Cemetery are “being romantic.” They are told not to stop there again.

11:08 p.m. — Citizens in a vehicle near KFC are somewhat less than romantic. They fire an egg at another driver and splat him in the face.

11:34 p.m. — After an Alice Lane traffic stop, Adam JP Clement, 21, of 95 Blackwater Road is charged with reckless operation.

Saturday, Sept. 5

1:21 a.m. — Near Cumberland Farms on Knight Street, Stephen Lynch, 26, of 6 Cold Spring Manor, C, is charged with sale of tobacco products to minors, and two counts of drug possession; a 17-year-old is charged with tobacco possession.

1:27 a.m. — Following a traffic stop on North Main Street, Laura D. Connarton, 67, of 482 Dick Dame Lane, Farmington is charged with failure to dim lights and disobeying an officer.

2:08 a.m. — Tanya Gagnon, 27, of 122 Charles St., B, is charged with operation without a valid license on Portland Street.

9:57 a.m. — A Governors Road mailbox has been mashed, with others possibly sharing the same fate.

10:18 a.m. — A sand ball has been thrown at a car on Rochester Hill Road.

11:09 a.m. — David Cormier Sr., 46, of 3 Downfield Lane is charged with DWI.

1:23 p.m. — A woman who left her phone on the counter of a Hannaford pharmacy says that a young man told an employee he would run after her and give her it. Instead, he steals the phone.

1:27 p.m. — Moores Court kids are banging down a door.

1:28 p.m. — On Chestnut Street, one woman thumps another woman’s door and yells in at her boyfriend.

6:14 p.m. — A boy finds a rusty bike in swamp behind the William Allen School.

8:20 p.m. — Music blasters on Quaker Lane are told to keep it down.

10:39 p.m. — A shirtless man (here we go) and his girlfriend stand in the middle of Quaker Lane and scream. Someone has taken their keys.

11:10 p.m. — On Academy, there are eight noisy people with bottles in their hands.

Sunday, Sept. 6

12:32 a.m. — After a North Main Street traffic stop, a 16-year-old is charged with DWI and failure to yield at a Stop sign.

2:37 a.m.— Nathan Miller, 21, of 41 Vachon Drive, Milton is charged with breach of bail conditions; Paul Skaltsis, 19, of 63 Congress St. is charged with drug possession with intent to distribute and arrested on a bench warrant for second degree assault.

8:44 a.m. — On Jackson Street, two dogs pick on one dog.

9:43 a.m. — A cyclist on Farmington Road receives an official warning for dropping a napkin.

10:39 a.m. — At Market Basket, a woman steals health and beauty aids.

2:47 p.m. — Items are stolen from a Rochester Hill Road apartment.

3:50 p.m. — Two women have stolen merchandise valued at $450 from Hannaford’s at the Lilac Mall.

5:05 p.m. — Glen Lemelin, 18, of 512 Route 202, Barrington is arrested on a bench warrant.

5:44 p.m. — Nadine Kathy Young, 49, of 17 Glenwood Ave., 14, is charged with disorderly conduct.

5:53 p.m. — Teens yell and swear at a woman on Old Milton Road.

9:12 p.m. — Fireworks annoy residents on Nicole Street.

10:31 p.m. — Fireworks, music and people create a cacophony on Charles Street.

11:03 p.m. — Nicholas Emond, 23, of 41 Old Route Four Road, Berwick, Maine is arrested on a bench warrant.

Monday, Sept. 7

1:08 a.m. — On Evergreen Lane a van drives over a lawn and clunks into an inflatable swimming pool which is now leaking.

8:48 a.m. — At Salmon Falls Estates a man going to pick up his child reports his ex “throwing things at him.”

8:57 a.m. — At the Lilac Mall Hannaford’s, tensions rise when a suspicious man, wearing headphones and a white shirt walks into the store “with some sort of device strapped to his chest.” Police make contact and find it is an infant wrapped in a blanket.

10:43 a.m. — William Watson, 23, of 26 Charles St. is charged with criminal threatening, false imprisonment and two counts of simple assault.

2:01 p.m. — At the station a girl, at her father’s request, reports that a named person has stolen her cell phone.

3:56 p.m. — A 9-year-old is taken into protective custody after a shoplifting incident at Walgreen’s.

4:09 p.m. — A cat that is dying in Amazon Campground, expires.

5:15 p.m. — A George & Ed’s Store, a lady is hitting a gentleman and screaming in his face.

6:06 p.m. — Music blasts on Moores Court. A woman gets a final warning.

7:18 p.m. — Justin Phillip Jacobs, 32, of 38 Jenness St. is arrested on three warrants.

11:26 p.m. — Bryan K. Dixon, 25, of 46 Route 236, Berwick, Maine is charged with robbery and sale of drugs.

Tuesday, Sept. 8

12:37 a.m. — On Knight Street a man rides a bike with no lights. On the plus side he does not drop a napkin.

9:16 a.m. — Allen Rich, 43, of 106 Washington St., 2, is charged with being a fugitive from justice.

9:53 a.m. — Steven Hood, 20, of 117 Pineland Park, Milton, is charged with two counts of conspiracy to commit forgery.

10:18 a.m. — A home is burgled on Summer Street and Methadone stolen

1:04 p.m. — A Cedarbrook Village dog-walker reports her pooch was attack by a mutt not on a leash.

1:09 p.m. — Graffiti blights a wall up at the Lilac Mall.

1:18 p.m. — A 16-year-old is taken into protective custody after a disturbance.

3:43 p.m. — A Cedarbrook Village woman wants to see an officer after her pet was injured in a dog fight.

3:51 p.m. — A burglary is reported on Rochester Hill Road.

4:26 p.m. — Joseph A. Levesque, 22, of 51 Congress St. is charged with second degree assault and simple assault.

5:07 p.m. — Tina Nasuti, 48, of 14 Mooney St., Farmington is charged with simple assault and criminal mischief.

6:03 p.m. — Fisticuffs break out near a pizza shop on North Main Street.

6:12 p.m. — The City Clerk has found video equipment in the City hall parking lot. She thinks it belongs to MIS or the local government channel.

7:17 p.m. — Michelle A. Miller, 40, of 4 Kolbe St., Waterboro, Maine is charged with simple assault.

8:54 p.m. — Four men (probably napkin droppers) in the new Factory Court plaza keep harassing people as they walk by.

Wednesday, Sept. 9

12:46 a.m. — After a Union Street parking lot incident, Roy Douglas Brochu, 44, of 22 Royal Crest MHP is charged with simple assault.

7:03 a.m. — On Lafayette Street, half a dozen people (not yet in bed, perhaps, rather than early risers) yell and start to fight.

8:14 a.m. — A wallet found in a Wakefield Street parking lot is returned to its owner.

8:46 a.m. — A truck driver is concerned about a hawk he struck accidentally near the Country Club. It is injured and trying to fly. Soon after, a woman brings the wrapped up bird to the station, and the animal control officer passes it along to someone who can nurse it back to health.

9:49 a.m. — Mateo Lavigne, 31, of 50 Daffodil Hill Lane is charged with two counts of change of address; duty to inform.

10:16 a.m. — Glenn D. Park, 32, of 16 Pineland park, Milton is charged with driving after suspension.

10:55 a.m. — Amy Douglas, 32, of 8A Church St. is charged with theft from a motor vehicle.

12:21 p.m. — A 16-year-old is charged with three counts of simple assault.

12:40 p.m. — At the station a woman reports her dog was attacked by a neighbor’s dog.

1:39 p.m. — Two people steal goods from Family Dollar.

1:44 p.m. — Two loose pit bulls are jumping on people at the Common.

3:36 p.m. — A Logan Street woman reports her bike was stolen at the Community Center.

5:14 p.m. — Kira M. McDermottroe, 34, of 23 Elm St., 2, Milton is charged with two counts of simple assault.

5:56 p.m. — Lynn Hersom, 30, of 6 North Main St. is charged with criminal mischief.

6:07 p.m. — A lady punches a gentleman right in the face on Joshua Street.

6:18 p.m. — William Everett Baxter, 47, of 82 Partridge Green Apartments is charged with criminal threatening and simple assault and arrested on a bench warrant.

6:48 p.m. — Christine A. Belanger, 19, of 18 Boudreau Drive is charged with shoplifting.

Thursday, Sept. 10

7:26 a.m. — Someone has broken into the Miranda Landscaping trailers on Winter Street.

10:51 a.m. — Water has been stolen from a Spaulding High School vending machine over the summer.

11:11 a.m. — On Periwinkle Drive, a man says a neighbor stole his cat. The neighbor then phones to assert the first caller has threatened to shoot him. Police say the cat spat should be settled in civil court.

11:45 a.m. — In the lobby, someone “wants to speak to an officer about the neighbor’s children and balls coming over the fence.”

12:46 p.m. — John D. Reid, 38, of 1 Towle Lane is charged with two counts of stalking.

1:18 p.m. — A 17-year-old is charged with two counts of forgery and two counts of conspiracy to commit forgery.

1:36 p.m. — At the station, a man says he thinks his soon-to-be-ex-wife is loosening his brakes.

1:47 p.m. — At the station, a citizen says they would like to see a newspaper article on bike safety and cyclists’ rules of the road, pertaining to traffic lights, one-way road signs, stop signs, riding on the sidewalk, pulling out into traffic and cutting off vehicles. Plus napkin dropping.

2:29 p.m. — A Temple Drive woman reports a hit-and-run in the Walmart lot.

2:32 p.m. — Forty Zanex pills have vanished from a house on King Street.

3:23 p.m. — Graffiti has appeared on the door of the fire station museum in East Rochester.

5:03 p.m. — In a possible identity theft/scam, a “creditor” keeps calling a very elderly lady to say she owes Barclay’s Bank $989. The scamsters have her social security number.

5:52 p.m. — Walmart bags a 17-year-old shoplifter.

8:09 p.m. — There is a dead fox on Cross Road.

8:16 p.m. — Loud gunplay scares Hansonville Road children trying to sleep. It is the SWAT team practicing night shooting.

9:07 p.m. — A small black wallet with three pink cupcakes on it has been lost near Cumberland farms on Knight Street.

10:18 p.m. — Redell Baldwin, 36, of 41 Olde Farm Road (formerly known as Autumn Street) is charged with driving after suspension.

10:52 p.m. — Brittany L’Heureux, 20, of 20 James Drive, Waterboro, Maine is charged with unlawful possession of alcohol at the Shell on Washington Street.

Friday, Nov. 11

7:11 a.m. — A vehicle has been damaged on Portland Street overnight.

7:52 a.m. — A homeless man is still using the facilities in the Professional Arts Building and scaring tenants.

8:40 a.m. — A dog yaps round the clock at Wellsweep Acres.

8:50 a.m. — A theft is reported at the high school.

9:40 a.m. — A man is thought to be casing vehicles near Bank of America. He says he was waiting on a friend in the bank, and looking for loose change in a grassy area.

10:24 a.m. — Four bikes have been stolen from the same yard on Front Street.

1:05 p.m. — Amber Earle, 25, of 3 Joshua St. is charged with simple assault.

2:39 p.m. — A mother and teenage son slug it out at Cold Spring Manor.

3:09 p.m. — A window of a van on North Main Street has been smashed with a rock.

4:51 p.m. — Cars are damaged with BB pellets on Lupine Lane.

5:02 p.m. — From Rochester Terrace MHP there is a report, via 911, of a teenage girl stripping for two older men. A second call is placed 10 minutes later which says, “Forget it. Forget it. They left. You missed it. The men put their clothes on and they left. ”

6:19 p.m. — At Walmart, Alicia Michaud, 18, of 145 North Main St., D, is charged with shoplifting.

6:34 p.m. — A woman on Chestnut Street yells at kids and then bawls obscenities at their remonstrating mother.

7:07 p.m. — A Soapstone Lane man is missing his wages and his medication.

9:45 p.m. — Bradley Dumont, 21, of 16 Dodge St. is arrested on two bench warrants.

10:32 p.m. — Fifteen kids at McClelland School try to lure a boy there to fight with them.

10:55 p.m. — A car is egged on Lowell and also on Old Dover Road, Double-yolked, so to speak. Police call on several purveyors of eggs in an effort to find the perpetrators.

The Rochester police log is compiled by Rochester Times Editor John Nolan.

2 thoughts on “I don’t care you who are; that, right there, is funny”

  1. 8:57 a.m. — At the Lilac Mall Hannaford’s, tensions rise when a suspicious man, wearing headphones and a white shirt walks into the store “with some sort of device strapped to his chest.” Police make contact and find it is an infant wrapped in a blanket.

    Best terrorist disguise I ever heard of.

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