Since so many people love reality shows…

How about one that takes things a step further and both establishes and reports on a widespread reality that is both contrived and utterly legitimate–sort of a cross between The Truman Show on a societal scale and a straight ongoing documentary.

The burden of stupid has become unmanageable in the United States (and by extension Canada, which is forever destined to be sucked along in the noxious wake of fuckery generated from below). At a minimum, even if it’s not ruining society, it’s created sufficient tension to divide America not on the basis of the actual merits of policies and ideas, but depending on who can yell the loudest. We’re dumb enough to openly champion leaders and potential leaders who are so fucked up that they remind us of ourselves–which is exactly why we shouldn’t vote for them.

So one quick and handy solution to the fact that this divide is unlikely to close via intellectual means would be to just physically separate the warring factions from one another by taking all of America’s stupid people and getting them the fuck out of the way. A huge domed climate-controlled enclave someplace large enough to comfortably contain these 80 to 100 million or so people could be located somewhere in, say, what is now eastern New Mexico and western Texas, parts of Montana and Wyoming, or even Alaska. Something covering about 100,000 square miles would be sufficient, as this would create a megacity with approximately the same population density of New Jersey.

The social and governmental parameters of the place would be simple. Every nominal requirement of dumbasses would be cheaply and readily available: Bibles, all-you-can-eat fast-food and buffet restaurants, access to FOX News and its TV and radio and Internet cousins, some print-media equivalent of the Washington Times, etc. Libraries and schools and research institutions would be banned; attendance at both NASCAR functions and church services (Christian-only) would be mandatory and all citizens would be forced to range-qualify for marksman’s badges by the age of seven. The only legal commercial entity (other than the restaurants) would be Wal-Mart. Homosexuality in any form, let alone same-sex marriage, would be grounds for dismissal from this dystopic neo-nation, as would recycling, the word “green,” and the use of hybrid cars. Excess melanin deposits in residents’ skin would result in reprisals and sometimes outright rejection as well.

For the sake of simplicity and because this is my idea, I’ll decide who qualifies as stupid. With that out of the way, who wants to help me design this place?

I’m just in an ecumenical and filial mood today and thought I’d throw this out there. I will also take a pre-emptive strike at anyone who understandably suggests that I have just described the state of Texas perfectly. There are 23 million or so Texas residents and a great many of them–including many here–are not happy about either the state’s bad rap or the undeniably huge number of people helping to cement its worldwide renown as a vicious backwater rushing unmolested toward a bygone century. There are numerous states that would fare more poorly than Texas if their populations were to multiply fivefold or tenfold. Just imagine a place like Mississippi or South Carolina with no Austin or loci of high-tech industry or solid university system to redeem it. Even my currently bluish native state of New Hampshire, if allowed to bloat to almost twenty times its size, would suddenly be home to the world’s greatest concentration of lunatic libertarians and a veritable carnival of genetic roulette owing to pernicious inbreeding currently limited to swaths of Grafton and Coos counties. No one wants that.

Also, I mentioned climate control and a dome. Texas, as I’m sure you know, is hot as unlubricated fuck in the summer and this, not the citizenry, was why I could not stand being in San Antonio for six long midsummer weeks. There are strip clubs and Negroes and homosexers too; they may not be embraced with open arms, but they are nevertheless legal. And not everyone recognizes the Christ Jesus as his or her personal lord and savior.

So in summary, this place would make present-day Texas look like Haight-Ashbury.

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