Please picture a world like this

I wish that for one day, everyone in the United States who is ambulatory would lose the ability to walk, but retain the ability to run. This would happen with no concomitant improvement in anyone’s fitness. In other words, the only way people could get from place to place on foot would be to run, however slowly, sloppily and painfully. If they needed to take breaks, they’d have to sit down or stand there until ready to go again.

This would be an awesome sight in the non-ironic but non-hackneyed sense of the word. Just imagine it. Young people, fit people, heavies, senior citizens, smokers, drunks, cops, aspiring pedophiles, missionaries, whores, cable servicepersons, Wal-Mart shoppers, everyone — running along sidewalks, across parking lots, from the bread aisle to the checkout counter, into family court, out of bars at last call. I would spend the entire day filming people, except at the end, where people like me would be at a distinct strength advantage we would put to heroic use, e.g., in the form of looting or recreational vandalism.

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  1. #1 by Warren on May 9, 2011 - 3:42 pm

    …what exactly is an aspiring pedophile? Someone who masturbates to regular porn, but sighs wistfully and says, “Maybe someday I’ll learn how to be turned on by fifth-graders”?

  2. #2 by kemibe on May 11, 2011 - 6:15 pm

    Christ. Pedantry.

    • #3 by Warren on May 13, 2011 - 6:31 pm

      Well yes. It’s one of my few genuine talents.

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