Some people are hopeful that the next U.S. president will be a good one. By that, I assume they mean the opposite of Donald Trump: intelligent rather than blinkered, stable rather than demented, eloquent rather than stammering, and appealing to everyone (inasmuch as this is possible) rather than targeting a segment of the American population whose brains are indistinguishable from the proximate common ancestor of Homo sapiens and Pan troglodytes.
I, being spiteful rather than optimistic and convinced by episodes like this that there is no hope at all for sanity to evolve organically in the U.S., disagree. Because I want an entire class of people to be punished for things they can’t help feeling and doing anyway, I’d like to see a president who is in fact exactly like Donald Trump, but with opposite ideological leanings. I want him or her to embody the very things millions of paranoid religious yokels and rage-fueled Yosemite Samites (or is it Samists?) believed were true about Obama and, despite a decade of unfulfilled prophecies about him, still believe.
Here’s a short checklist of things I want the next president to say and do or at least make continual noise about:
- Threaten to take all privately owned gun out of the hands of the citizenry
- Agitate for an open-borders immigration policy, especially from Middle Eastern countries
- Throw this bullshit out the window
- Staff his entire cabinet with transgender lesbian ethnic minorities with PhDs
- Issue an executive order making it illegal to pray in public
- Issue a 45% tax on attending NASCAR events
- Deny social-media accounts to anyone expressing right-wing views
- Declare Islam the national religion and require public schools to teach its core tenets every grade year from kindergarten onward
- Fire all known and suspected conservative faculty members from public universities
- Restructure the FCC so that Fox News can no longer broadcast through Comcast or any of the other major telecom companies
- Cut the Department of Defense budget by 60% and allocate those funds to a bevy of new free abortion clinics and the ASPCA
- Eliminate Medicaid and TANF wholesale in every state that voted against him or her
- Ensure availability of a public-access hardcore porn channel in every household
- Sterilize anyone who has already had three or more children
- Declare the NRA a terror cult, dissolve it, and encourage violence against anyone who has been a member at any time in the past 10 years
- Reduce the maximum penalty for arson involving churches to a $100 fine, with proceeds going to the Freedom From Religion Foundation
- Impose an 85% tax at buffet restaurants
- Get rid of the pesky “two-terms” thing
That’s a good starter kit. Since much of the yokelry already believes that some or most of these things were in play under Obama anyway, it wouldn’t be an especially cruel doctrine.