Who’ll fund my hospital stay after I suffer a hernia from laughing?

(Edit, 12:42 a.m., Dec. 21: In a development that can only be seen as startling in the eyes of people dumb enough to fork over money to Brian Kolfage, he is evidently a lying sack of shit. I still think all of this is funny because I have no idea if those who donated to the cause will get a refund if the whole enterprise topples. I rather hope they don’t.)

I joked the other day about someone starting a GoFundMe campaign to empower private citizens, specifically fuckups, to fund the border wall. For a host of obvious logistical and political reasons, such a thing would be bursting with the potential for disaster and, thus, schadenfreude.

Therefore, shame on me for not immediately realizing that someone from Florida was already on it.

I went to high school with a guy who is also a triple amputee: His frontal lobe and both temporal lobes disappeared sometime between 1988 and 2016. He was making noises about doing this shortly after Trump took office it and slowly started to dawn on him, like a dog that has been basking in the smell of its own farts for years before the day it finally starts looking suspiciously at its own asshole, that maybe Mexico wasn’t as eager to pay for a border wall as Trump had promised.

The reasoning of the many, many fartbaskers just like this fellow now seems to be:

Trump, a man of his word who Gets Things DoneTM, said Mexico would pay for a border wall [one experts say is both unnecessary and futile]. Mexico declined [a shocking twist] so Trump changed the story to “Congress will fund it up front, but Mexico will ultimately pay” [in another startling development, this is also bullshit]. So now, it’s up to us patriots.

So far, in about three days, 90,000 people have ponied up an average of $60 each to raise $5.5 million. The minimum estimated cost of the wall — which was never going to be built even in Trump’s moldering walnut of a brain — is $25 to $50 billion, and that doesn’t include the costs of maintaining this de facto surrogate for a phallus that allegedly resembles a decaying mushroom that has been struck from on high with a sledge hammer.

$5.5 million is about 1/10,000th of the money needed, meaning that if donations continue at the present rate (which they won’t; the pork-rinds-and-moonshine crowd is not known for its bankrolling of expensive long-term projects), the funding will not be secured for another 30,000 days, and that ignores the effects of inflation and many, many other factors. It is likely that no one reading this will be alive 30,000 days from now.

Then there’s the fact that the money is hardly the only thing standing in the way of the construction of this wall.

But since most of this money will surely never going to go to the U.S. government, I can’t wait to see the results. I may be hospitalized with a schadenfreude overdose when the rubes act surprised that they sacrificed the last of their money for stocking-stuffers and infant formula for this nonsense.

(I should emphasize I’m not making light of this guy’s injuries. I can’t imagine living the way he has to and probably complain more than he does in spite of being somewhat physically and mentally able much of the time. If anything, if he’s doing what I think he’s doing, I am cheering him on for leveraging the story of his war wounds to relieve thousands of yawping yahoos of their money to enrich himself and take some of the sting out of how he is forced to live every day. On the other hand, maybe he actually thinks this will accomplish what he claims to believe that it will or could.)


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