Christians: Why should anyone believe ideas you plainly reject yourself?

There are many compelling reasons to reject the idea that the Christian god is real. Most of these center, properly, on the lack of evidence for God and the undeniable and ever-growing body of evidence against innumerable biblical claims, while others encompass the inconsistencies and myriad logical contradictions within the Bible itself. More circumstantially, it’s impossible to not notice that some of the most ardent believers in the God of the Bible are either under the lash of mental illness, not very intelligent or both; the correlation between slack-jawed inbred yokelism and religiosity in the United States is practically unity. (This makes a certain sense, since the God of the Bible is a psychotically childish dipshit.) And it is undeniably true that no Christian who really believes that Christianity is about moral goodness could possibly support Donald Trump, and in fact should be calling for his death by stoning or whatever means is most convenient. Yet Christians are Trump’s most energetic supporters. They are a shitstain on American society and the world in general, and if all of them were swept up in a tsunami and dashed to pieces screaming against a rocky cliff, the rest of us would be vastly better off.

Often ignored in everyday evaluations of Christian nonsense, however, is the fact that the most ardent supporters of God, Evangelicals, clearly don’t believe in the God of the Bible themselves. Even if they did, it would be incumbent upon reasonable people to either ignore, deride or actively fight their incessant lunacy, depending on the circumstances. I won’t go so far as to say the world would be better off without belief in things that are demonstrably untrue, because, standing alone, fictional narratives (e.g., literature, films) can offer people a great deal of comfort in an uncaring universe. But the would be far better off without religion, and aggressive religious leaders of any faith should be met with proportional derision and their efforts opposed absolutely.

Evangelicals — and I use this term interchangeably with “fundies” — love to talk about actions that will land people in Hell unless those people stop doing it. Most of this centers on homosexuality or simply not believing that their mythical skylord is anything more than that. But the Bible itself is very clear on the idea that lying is punishable by death. To repeat: Lying is punishable by death, and moreover, eternal torture. It is one of the “commandments” that rednecks in states that should be expunged from the Union and lunched in the direction of the sun continually try to install on courthouse lawns. This is neither an obscure idea or a controversial one: Lying is a sin and God will burn your ass for all eternity if you do it, full stop.

But Christians are notably silent on this one. Why? Because they’re the most shameless and flagrant liars anywhere. Because fundies are also piss-ignorant and therefore get almost everything of importance wrong when “debating” evolutionary biologists or other academics, it’s easy to miss the fact that they lie constantly and without restraint.

Notice also that even certain thought crimes are punishable by death and unrelenting ass-fucking in Hell. This was a clever trick on the part of early religious despots, since it is impossible for anyone to not have libidinous or covetous thoughts of some sort, and ensuring that every common citizen had to accept being a sinner meant greater control over the masses. (The peasant class in theory has more choice over this in modern times, but you would never know it by assessing the state of current U.S. cultural affairs.) Lust, envy and greed are sins; virtually everyone alive has been envious of something, felt greedy impulses and experienced rage. More pointedly, everyone has wanted, however fleetingly, to fuck an ostensibly off-limits partner such as a teacher or married neighbor. According to the Bible, it’s not only wrong to do this, it’s wrong to so much as think about doing it. By this standard, Heaven would have to be a ghost town and Hell would make Hong Kong look sparsely populated.

But let’s pretend that fundies can somehow square these things with really believing there’s a Hell and it’s everything Jesus promises. How?

There is no question that the idea of deathbed atonement and repentance is built into the scam for precisely the reasons above: No one is immune to a lifetime of continued flagrant sinning. As many have pointed out, it is an absolute joke that the scheme allows lifelong serial rapist-murderer-cannibals to get into Heaven if they accept Jesus before they croak. But it’s not really in place for that reason. No, it’s so that people like Trump supporters, cousin-fuckers, everyday adulterers and liars can still easily dodge Hell. All you need to do is re-accept Jesus at the end of every day and then you can return to all-day-every-day flagrantly un-Christian ranting and raving.

But what if your timing is off and never get to make use of the repentance escape hatch? What if you’re a widower who thinks, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a nice cock in my ass?” only to drop dead of a stroke before you have a chance to wipe the sin-slate clean? Surely, some of these idiots have gotten this far in their thinking.

The simple truth is that even the most full-throated fundies either don’t believe Hell exists, which is nothing more than the remnants of their poisoned minds striving to right themselves, or they don’t believe they will wind up there despite doing exactly the kinds of things their God sends people to the front of the underworld forced-sodomy line for doing. They surely want to believe that Hell exists, but that’s far from the same thing. I sometimes want to believe I could run a sub-2:30 marathon at age 50, but I don’t.

As corollary, this would mean that they don’t believe that Heaven exists, either. So when they talk about trying to get you to accept their horseshit under the guise “saving” you, they’re lying again. Besides, the more astute among them would have to realize that people like me would game the process just so we could get into heaven and then hector all of the fundies there for all eternity. I mean, it’s easy to pretend to be a Bible-believing Christian; millions of Americans are doing so at this moment. So sneaking into Heaven would be equally easy. I would do nothing but vandalize conservative Protestant churches and have glorious sex with unmarried preacher’s daughters (after their brothers and cousins were finished with them), because a spot in Heaven is presumably a lifetime, or afterlifetime, appointment, just like a Supreme Court seat.

As a non-trivial addendum, it is clear that a disproportionate number of vocal and often prominent Christian men love to suck cock or be fucked in the ass, often committing real crimes in the process. This is not a contestable or controversial premise. I express myself in these terms not because I care what gay people do, because it drives home the reality of fundie hypocrisy on this one, and it underscores that Evangelical Chrisitianity itself is profane. Sucking a dick is not something one might do on impulse and regret later, like leaving a restaurant without paying or telling your wife you really didn’t notice the 21-year-old neighbor with perfect tits sunbathing in her back yard. It is a conscious choice, and if you are a self-described Christian who sucks on a cock, you, if you believe the shit that comes out of your own mouth, are destined for eternal torment. (I have never had a phallus in my mouth, but once, a long time ago, I accepted an invitation to play with one that belonged to someone else. Most straight guys have done something similar. For a number of reasons, I preferred and continue to prefer the experience playing with my own phallus to exploring others, but neither of these “sins” is anything close to the worst thing I’ve ever done. Hell, farting in a group and refusing to admit it was you is a worse moral transgression than consensual cockplay between males.)

So, to sum up:

1. You’re wrong.

2. You’re also lying.

3. Therefore. fuck off.