Who’ll fund my hospital stay after I suffer a hernia from laughing?

(Edit, 12:42 a.m., Dec. 21: In a development that can only be seen as startling in the eyes of people dumb enough to fork over money to Brian Kolfage, he is evidently a lying sack of shit. I still think all of this is funny because I have no idea if those who donated to the cause will get a refund if the whole enterprise topples. I rather hope they don’t.)

I joked the other day about someone starting a GoFundMe campaign to empower private citizens, specifically fuckups, to fund the border wall. For a host of obvious logistical and political reasons, such a thing would be bursting with the potential for disaster and, thus, schadenfreude.

Therefore, shame on me for not immediately realizing that someone from Florida was already on it.

I went to high school with a guy who is also a triple amputee: His frontal lobe and both temporal lobes disappeared sometime between 1988 and 2016. He was making noises about doing this shortly after Trump took office it and slowly started to dawn on him, like a dog that has been basking in the smell of its own farts for years before the day it finally starts looking suspiciously at its own asshole, that maybe Mexico wasn’t as eager to pay for a border wall as Trump had promised.

The reasoning of the many, many fartbaskers just like this fellow now seems to be:

Continue reading “Who’ll fund my hospital stay after I suffer a hernia from laughing?”

A novel begging to be written

Last night, I got into it on a friend’s Facebook page with a couple of lost-cause right-wing fuckheads, clearly among the many millions of Americans who simply do not care that the U.S. president is turning out to be as bad or worse than even full-throated cynics realized. These assholes, being simpletons and Bible-boppers, come in one basic flavor. They parrot Fox News talking points that only come from Fox News, but claim, pointlessly, to collect their “info” from a variety of sources; they take great umbrage at not being treated civilly despite providing every imaginable rationale for being insulted in the extreme; and they never, fucking ever read any links you offer or show the slightest sign that they’re in it for any other reason but to make noise, making their pleas for civility even more inane than they would be already.

In response, I started calmly discussing why the U.S. might become a slightly less adversarial place for people with somewhat advanced forebrains if everyone could be reversibly sterilized at birth. I actually do think this would be a good idea, but it’s not something I would personally implement even if given the unique power to do so.

The first thing I usually do when some stranger concludes that I’m legitimately unhinged based on some throwaway Facebook comment is double down and expand on whatever idea I’ve introduced to see how far I can go before the other person recognizes that I’m kidding. Continue reading “A novel begging to be written”

Steve McConkey goes full douchebag

As unlikely as it seems, Steve McConkey‘s antics are worse than ever. He posted this on his Facebook page this morning (I’ve included his followers’ comments as of 2:30 MDT to again establish the level of reckless ignorance and stupidity it takes to respond to anything this asshole says with anything besides derision and sad guffawing).

People like Steve are why the government needs to be more stringent about granting nonprofit status to “religious” “organizations” that are nothing more than ways for ersatz Christians like Steve, whose days are evidently consumed by unwanted fantasies about nude, well-oiled young men, to not only lobby for handouts from fellow morons, but avoid paying taxes on whatever handouts they receive.

Continue reading “Steve McConkey goes full douchebag”

Hellish desires

I sometimes think I’m too cynical. Then I remind myself that the majority of Americans claim to believe in an exquisitely well-concealed chamber of horrors where dead folks are tortured literally forever for thought crimes (such as believing in the “wrong” god) or actions that aren’t morally wrong at all. Virtually nothing could be more cynical than this.

The disturbing thing about the crazier strains of Christianity is that its adherents don’t merely think Hell is an actual place, one ecclesiastical consideration among many; they emphasize its inevitably cruel promises above all else. It seems that condemning others to Hell is a far more important consideration than striving to get into Heaven. Despite all the cool and useful things one might extract from holy books, a sizable fraction of the American religious population does little besides howl and complain about sinners and sin (and, in many cases, beg for money in the process).

Continue reading “Hellish desires”

Unwelcome empathy

“He’ll become presidential when it’s time,” assured an army of gibbering halfwits at the end of 2016, when Donald Trump was behaving like the idiot he always has been and forever will be. “The stupidity is all just an act! You wait and see!”

Here’s where we are a year and a half later. Things are exactly as bad as, or worse than, any objective and learned observer could have predicted. Trump is, if anything, even less intelligent, more temperamental, and more dishonest than he used to be, which makes sense given the stress he’s now under.

The convenient thing about being credulous enough to have ever swallowed such obvious nonsense about Trump’s brainpower and leadership potential is that your Trump excuse bag will never come up empty. Continue reading “Unwelcome empathy”

A raving homophobe, a shitfaced self-loathing slug, and a couple of illiterate woodchucks walk into a bar

Make that a psychiatric ward. Or a pathological liars’ convention. Or a self-help group for people who need to vent about who’s to blame for their failures in life: Liberals, faggots, people who can function in everyday life without begging or resorting to crude sexual acts, etc.

Wait. In one paragraph, I’ve just described my view of the Internet lately.

Think of this post as the prologue of a novel you would only read if you were bored in an airport and wanted to feel both better about yourself and worse about humanity at the same time. Continue reading “A raving homophobe, a shitfaced self-loathing slug, and a couple of illiterate woodchucks walk into a bar”

I used to think “gun nuts” was unfair. It’s actually an understatement.

When new regulations are proposed in the automotive, airline, agricultural, pharmaceutical industries, you don’t hear widespread yammering that the government or some shadowy cabal of wealthy influence-peddlers is taking steps to completely eliminate car ownership, commercial air travel, prescription or OTC drugs, or small farms.

In my lifetime, cigarette vending machines and TV ads gave been eliminated and the tobacco age raised to 18. At no time has there been a groundswell of squawking about a plan to make cigarettes illegal altogether.

But when it comes to guns, whenever anyone so much as suggests something like “Hey, maybe there should be limits on the number of battle tanks private citizens can own,” the paranoiacs always start screaming at the top of their lungs about this being a clear step in the direction of Stalinism and totalitarianism. Which is funny considering that these same Yosemite Samites practically trip over their long red beards in an effort to fellate totalitarian politicians and the despotic nonsense of conservative Christianity.