Who’ll fund my hospital stay after I suffer a hernia from laughing?

(Edit, 12:42 a.m., Dec. 21: In a development that can only be seen as startling in the eyes of people dumb enough to fork over money to Brian Kolfage, he is evidently a lying sack of shit. I still think all of this is funny because I have no idea if those who donated to the cause will get a refund if the whole enterprise topples. I rather hope they don’t.)

I joked the other day about someone starting a GoFundMe campaign to empower private citizens, specifically fuckups, to fund the border wall. For a host of obvious logistical and political reasons, such a thing would be bursting with the potential for disaster and, thus, schadenfreude.

Therefore, shame on me for not immediately realizing that someone from Florida was already on it.

I went to high school with a guy who is also a triple amputee: His frontal lobe and both temporal lobes disappeared sometime between 1988 and 2016. He was making noises about doing this shortly after Trump took office it and slowly started to dawn on him, like a dog that has been basking in the smell of its own farts for years before the day it finally starts looking suspiciously at its own asshole, that maybe Mexico wasn’t as eager to pay for a border wall as Trump had promised.

The reasoning of the many, many fartbaskers just like this fellow now seems to be:

Continue reading “Who’ll fund my hospital stay after I suffer a hernia from laughing?”

I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and then I’ll retire to my bedroom and watch porn

Back in 2004, in the infancy of my own running-centric blogging but more or less at the apex of my overall online rabble-rousing, I was half-jokingly, half-admiringly accused by a friend of being the Rude Pundit, who was himself then part of a new vanguard of uncivil political bloggers. The Rude One was then anonymous, so I suppose it was possible. No matter what my friend — a prominent running author himself at the time — really believed, I was honored by the comparison. I suspect that the Rude Pundit composes his posts in just the same way I used to do my “Bill Eamick” shtick on Letsrun.com: Start by writing a coherent and tactful essay, and then weave in generous amounts of gratuitous profanity and obscene metaphors. Most readers view the result of such a process either a masterful remix or an appalling abandonment of decency. I of course see these as complementary aims, and where appropriate (and often where not), I have done my best to maintain this practice.

Today’s essay by the Rude Pundit takes on a popular idea: If Donald Trump is forced to leave office before his scheduled term ends, a significant fraction of his supernaturally loyal base will rise up in literal rebellion, rampaging about the countryside in an unrestrained show of righteous rage. (The Rude One offers his best gem in his opening sentence with “America’s tallest dipshit, former FBI director James Comey.” Yes, I enjoy life’s simpler pleasures.)

While Trump’s administrative removal from office seems unlikely (the odds that he will suffocate after his flapping jaws misdirect a burger morsel into his trachea appear greater), the notion that his slavish followers would risk anything of real value — be it their very lives or their local moonshine vendor’s Netflix login credentials — to oppose this event is preposterous. Continue reading “I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and then I’ll retire to my bedroom and watch porn”

“Stupid is as stupid does” still evades smart people

Remember the scene in Forrest Gump where the title character finally decided to end his impromptu cross-country run, and his band of followers expected him to say something profound? And when he didn’t, they behaved as if he had anyway?

Forrest Gump had a heart of gold, but he was a garden-variety idiot. He was not naturally inclined toward philosophical profundity, but even had he been, he would have found himself incapable of it. His look of perpetual confusion was not an affectation. The only reason people believed he should express deep wisdom is because he was likable, physically gifted, kind, and found himself in a variety of extraordinary situations.

Remember the wisdom of director Robert Zemeckis the next time you or another pundit is trying to parse Donald Trump’s “deeper strategy.” Plenty of people who should know better continue to try to impart far-reaching meanings to his statements and actions, not because a single thing about them invites such an analysis but because he was elected President and must therefore possess some genius qualities, however occult. “A true halfwit could never have made it this far,” some of his detractors protest. (His fans think he’s smart as fuck, but that’s a given.) Continue reading ““Stupid is as stupid does” still evades smart people”

The U.S. President would call himself a giant pussy if he were his own foul twin

The U.S. President is an undisguised coward as well as vindictive and just plain infantile. It’s not enough that he can simply ignore questions reporters ask him, jowls askew in flustered agitation; he has to try to prevent the asking part, too.

This manifests in his schedule of rallies, too. He will only address crowds in abject Trumpist shitholes in places like West Virginia, Tennessee and Montana. These habits, combined with his conducting a “presidency” from behind Twitter, make him no different from every workaday right-wing blogger; they ban, block and delete all dissent, however civil, and can’t even be bothered to bullshit after a certain point — they merely hide.

Hopefully, when he finally kicks it, his unseemly carcass will be placed in a dunking booth filled with piss and shit and people can take turns wandering by and trying to hit the target from a reasonable distance, like ten feet. After every successful dunking, the carcass will be dutifully retrieved and returned to the booth seat for another round. After a few weeks and millions of happy dunkings, the mess and the stench will be sufficient to warrant moving on to the next step: a giant funeral pyre at a Superfund site somewhere in New Jersey.

A novel begging to be written

Last night, I got into it on a friend’s Facebook page with a couple of lost-cause right-wing fuckheads, clearly among the many millions of Americans who simply do not care that the U.S. president is turning out to be as bad or worse than even full-throated cynics realized. These assholes, being simpletons and Bible-boppers, come in one basic flavor. They parrot Fox News talking points that only come from Fox News, but claim, pointlessly, to collect their “info” from a variety of sources; they take great umbrage at not being treated civilly despite providing every imaginable rationale for being insulted in the extreme; and they never, fucking ever read any links you offer or show the slightest sign that they’re in it for any other reason but to make noise, making their pleas for civility even more inane than they would be already.

In response, I started calmly discussing why the U.S. might become a slightly less adversarial place for people with somewhat advanced forebrains if everyone could be reversibly sterilized at birth. I actually do think this would be a good idea, but it’s not something I would personally implement even if given the unique power to do so.

The first thing I usually do when some stranger concludes that I’m legitimately unhinged based on some throwaway Facebook comment is double down and expand on whatever idea I’ve introduced to see how far I can go before the other person recognizes that I’m kidding. Continue reading “A novel begging to be written”

Time to start collecting shitheads

Over 40% of eligible voters sat out the 2016 election. This would be a breathtaking statistic to anyone who hasn’t wandered outside recently and spent a few minutes in the company of typical American citizens. As a rule, we are a complacent, ignorant, and feeble-minded people. We love bullshit and peddlers of false hope like preachers and gurus. I don’t mean this unkindly, but even people who aren’t well off have known too much prosperity to demonstrate any sort of desperation about the government. This is perhaps best exemplified by all of the Obama-hating hillbillies who screamed about the last president being a socialist Muslim but also counted on their food stamps and newfound health insurance finding its way toward them thanks to policies that Democrats, for all of their flaws, support far more robustly than Republicans do.

Right now, I would guess that about 90% of ignorant people who routinely participate in important elections vote Republican. (Note that this is a different proposition than saying that 90% of Republicans are ignorant). Evangelical Christians may be a brainless and vile lot, but they have a certain mindless, insectile persistence when it comes to dragging themselves to the polls, where they reliably and proudly vote for whichever of the two or more people on offer is the bigger asshole and menace. Democrats may enjoy priding themselves on being nuanced and discriminating, but the current shitty state of things is largely attributable to the “Bernie or Bust” and third-party voters who apparently assumed things could only get so bad.
Continue reading “Time to start collecting shitheads”

Unwelcome empathy

“He’ll become presidential when it’s time,” assured an army of gibbering halfwits at the end of 2016, when Donald Trump was behaving like the idiot he always has been and forever will be. “The stupidity is all just an act! You wait and see!”

Here’s where we are a year and a half later. Things are exactly as bad as, or worse than, any objective and learned observer could have predicted. Trump is, if anything, even less intelligent, more temperamental, and more dishonest than he used to be, which makes sense given the stress he’s now under.

The convenient thing about being credulous enough to have ever swallowed such obvious nonsense about Trump’s brainpower and leadership potential is that your Trump excuse bag will never come up empty. Continue reading “Unwelcome empathy”