Archive for category Spankin' the Crank
There is seemingly no product intended for oral use that Gwynneth Paltrow doesn’t think is better suited for insertion into the anus or vagina. She is now pimping coffee enemas.
The fact that Paltrow was wealthy before she even started “Goop” makes her a special sort of menace, because she can afford to pay scurrilous doctors to make bogus claims on behalf of her products, which range from useless at best to harmful at worst.
It’s no wonder Coldplay has sucked forever. Who knows what sort of “treatments” Chris Martin and his various non-facial orifices were subjected to before he and Paltrow were divorced four years ago.
Paltrow will probably be the next U.S. Health and Human Services secretary, as long as she can make a case for intrarectal Big Macs and Diet Coke.
Two weeks ago, shortly before the Roy Moore-Doug Jones face-off in Alabama, an exterminator came to my home to humanely dispatch from the premises a mother raccoon, which had taken up residence somewhere between the second-floor ceiling and the roof in early December. As I returned from a run, he and the homeowner were talking about the potential debacle of a Senate race that was underway, and the exterminator, who looked exactly like Bruce Campbell in his Evil Dead days only bigger, mentioned that he was married to someone who worked for the Denver Office of the District Attorney and had met Moore years ago, long before most people outside of Alabama and atheist blogs had heard of him. When this Denver lawyer, who was part of a group hosting Moore and others from Alabama at a conference, learned that Moore was not only a lawyer but a judge, she was apparently stunned, given his startling lack of knowledge of everything related to the law, or the bench, or reality.
Maybe it’s not a good idea to use Roy Moore as an example of anything other than a demented, theocratic shitbag. But he did at one time manage to get a law degree. That’s supposedly not the easiest thing in the world, even in the decerebrate South.
One of the fun paradoxes of getting a college education is discovering that it’s possible to earn a bachelor’s degree in a given scientific while remaining largely ignorant of that discipline, even if you receive high grades at a reputable school. Read the rest of this entry »
Do self-deluded people have a finite well of horseshit to draw from, or are there minds capable of just churning out an inexhaustible supply of it?
I’m not talking about unfortunates such as unmedicated schizophrenics who are literally disconnected from reality 24/7; I mean the everyday drones who are, to hear them tell it, one or two steps away from national recognition as an athlete, actor, entrepreneur, socialite, etc.
You often see this sort of circus playing out online: Over here is the yammering lady who’s going to marry Justin Bieber because he tweeted the same article she did, over in that tent is the guy who’s going to make the Olympic Trials in the 400 at age 43 off a 25-year-old PR of 56 seconds, and in that corner is the guy who keeps sending resumes to the Argonne National Laboratory claiming he once got a lawnmower to run for 18 straight hours on a mixture of goat cheese and Gatorade. And yeah, these fuckers are a little nuts too, but folks like this are out there in society and more or less functioning and looking normal as long as they don’t say much or stay outside for too long or look anyone in the face while speaking. If they speak. Read the rest of this entry »
Another sine qua non of being a right-wingnut is refusing to embrace positive findings if a Democratic president stands to take any credit for them. GraniteGrok now has a post claiming that the estimated 14.4 million jobs the U.S. has added in the past six years don’t mean much:
“[T]hat job growth is stretched over almost six full years, during which time the working age population grew by 15.8 million. In that respect, we’ve lost ground on jobs under Obama … Continued growth is good but ONLY if it keeps up with population growth … it is clear, simply by results, that the Obama Administration’s actions (based on socialist / Statists philosophy) have come up way short.”
Skip is talking out of his ass, which has to be crippled by pseudo-laryngitis by now.
…to try to make the entire GOP look like a bunch of howling, ignorant screwballs.
In the course of looking for a detailed county-by-county election-results map, I happened across a blog called “Give Us Liberty 1776,” which is apparently a reference to the year in which a present-day country the blog creators know little about declared its independence from the British Empire.
The first post that caught my eye was titled “Obama did not win a single state that requires photo IDs to vote.” I didn’t have to read a single word of the post itself to formulate a response, but I did, and the level of dishonesty and ignorance in this surreal waste of time and effort is extreme even by the standards of a Wingnut Daily contributor.
I left a comment that most likely will not be approved by the mods. Here it is: Read the rest of this entry »
Unless you’ve been chained in a basement somewhere or in the throes of a drunken blackout, by now you’re aware that Lance Armstrong, seven-time Tour de France winner and the most decorated cyclist in history, has been banned for life from the sport by the U.S. Anti-Doping Association (USADA) as a consequence of the case the agency has been building against him for months, if not years. Armstrong is charged not only with cheating via chemical enhancement, but also with trafficking, possessing, and administering banned substances. USADA also stripped him of all of his TdF titles, though the body lacks the ultimate authority to do so — that will fall to the International Cycling Federation (UCI). For any one of a thousand similar breakings of the story on Thursday afternoon, try this one in the NY Times. Read the rest of this entry »
A guy I hang around with is convinced that milk is about the worst thing a person can ingest, save for red meat, which he sees as a virtual guarantee of colon cancer (there is probably an association, but he takes the issue to an extreme). Of course, this same fellow is a “truther” (thinks the U.S. government was behind the 9/11 terror attacks) and has paranoid tendencies across the board. And when he says milk is bad, he’s not referring to the hormones people are concerned about; he means milk per se, at least cow’s milk and other milk derived from animals. Read the rest of this entry »
Whenever I develop an unhealthy desire to learn what Idiot America’s latest delusional belief system has bred, I check out Gribbit’s blog, since at all times he reliably has his clubbed and syndactylous fingers on the pulse of the feeble and fluttering heart of right-wing stupidity.
Gribbit’s posts invariably assume one of two forms. He either makes claims based on his skimming of either self-parodic “news” sources such as WorldNet Daily or mainstream articles he doesn’t understand (and often say the opposite of what he thinks they do) or he skips the sources part and flat-out makes shit up. His latest post is an example of the latter. Read the rest of this entry »
The other day I
derided wrote about the Crossfit program that Brian Mackenzie is deluded into believing convinced will revolutionize training for distance runners. At the time, the full article in the June issue of Competitor was not available online, but it is now, in Competitor’s nifty digital format.
A couple of notes. One, Richard Gibbens (not Gibbons) is incorrectly identified in the article as an exercise scientist. He has a bachelor’s degree in exercise science, but that doesn’t make him a scientist, and this would hold true even if he were a bastion of sound analysis instead of a fifth-degree crank. If he’s an exercise scientist, then I’m a physicist, and anyone with a B.A. in psychology is a psychologist, and wouldn’t that be a colossal mess.
Two, and more importantly, it’s become clear to me that all of these guys pushing low-volume, high-intensity training for distance runners because they themselves became injured or otherwise wiped out by high-volume training have no idea how to train properly using high mileage. Mackenzie is very clearly an intense guy, as is Gibbens, a former Green Beret. I have no doubt that whatever mileage totals they reached in their previous lives included far too much work at the high end of the aerobic spectrum, and that they had no concept of how to properly execute recovery days. Had they gone about things the tried and true way, and maybe tried running more on grass and dirt and less on pavement, and learned that hammering away all the time is a bad idea, then they surely could have thrived on a greater overall workload. This is admittedly just a guess, but it’s not a blind one — I’ve seen their Type-A ilk in action and their ability to survive sane marathon training is limited by their personality traits unless they submit to being reined in regularly by a second set of eyes.
I admit that I only found this captivatingly inane treatise on the evils of “jogging” because I decided to choose the title “How Jogging Can Be Bad For You” from the LIVESTRONG pile just to practice writing from the standpoint of borderline intellectual dishonesty. (People on debate squads apparently engage in similar endeavors routinely.) For all I know, the “author,” Jonathan Wong, was doing the same thing when he wrote the piece, in which he gives three basic reasons that jogging “does people no good”: It doesn’t help you look good, doesn’t help you in the “game” of life, and isn’t that great for your health. Reading only these three section headings is enough to assure anyone not in the throes of heavy-metal poisoning, an ether binge or organic mental compromise that the “writer” is either piss-ignorant or gleefully dishonest. Given his lack of command of English (note that he manages to misuse both “it’s” and “its,” which is pathognomonic for spurious content), I reckon he’s just a twit.
Some excerpts: Read the rest of this entry »
This morning I was sitting in the waiting room at the Boulder Center for Sports Medicine waiting to meet with one of the exercise physiologists on staff to gather information for an article I’m writing for Competitor Online about high-altitude endurance training. There was a print copy of the June issue handy, so I grabbed it and was immediately struck by the cover, which features the words “Run Less, Get Strong, Go Faster” alongside a photo of a grave-looking, heavily muscled guy who was apparently the mind behind this breakthrough. No longer quite as anxious to get into the performance lab, I flipped to the story, knowing I was about to be walloped with a load of bunk but curious as to whether it would be novel bunk. It wasn’t, but it pushed the limits of credulity all the same, at least as much on account of what it didn’t say as what it did. Read the rest of this entry »
Some chick found some blog by some guy who is apparently a fan of “manning up” through heavy lifting, and makes certain that visitors are aware of this by posting GIFs of flexed biceps and remarking on the utility of the purported testosterone-induced “swagger” of youth. (I’m surprised that the blog advertises only his training services and not a link to ExtenZe.) In his first blog post (he only started the thing last Thursday), he’s claiming that running long distances makes people fatter, in terms of the percentage of their body weight accounted for by fat, because it slows their metabolisms, reduces testosterone, and lowers muscle mass, mostly because of the effects of cortisol.
I posted a comment, but it is temporarily or maybe permanently in the moderation queue, so I will reproduce it here, with a few additions that occurred to me after I commented. (Please excuse my self-aggrandizing style; I was aiming for pompous on purpose.) Read the rest of this entry »
I’m often reminded that picking on right-wingers, especially those like Gribbit whom even other idiots probably see as extremist, does little good. In return I like to point out that in this case it’s great fun because when you Google “Gribbit,” outside of the first few results there’s a lot more about him than by him, and letting the few people who will ever be curious about him and his history know just what an ignorant hypocrite he is seems only fair. After all, Gribbit thinks he’s doing the world a service with his factless, no-comments-allowed virtual shit-pit for trashing the very sorts of people that allow him to live as he does.
Gribbit, like all paranoid wingnuts, likes to point toward “shocking” stories that the MSM will never discuss or tell the truth about because doing so would expose its dishonest liberal agenda. His latest example is the finding that March 2011 was the coolest March worldwide in 17 years.
As it turns out, March 2011 was actually the coolest since 1999, not 1994. And last month was still the 39th-warmest March of the past 117. And of course, the ten warmest years on record (that is, since 1861) have all occurred since 1995. The following graphic is impossible to ignore — even if you’re a denialist who doesn’t think that the planet is warming in part owing to human industry, it’s impossible to pretend that it’s not warming, period.
Impossible to pretend, that is, unless you’re Gribbit, who writes: Read the rest of this entry »
Sometimes I wonder how conspiracy theorists got by in the pre-Internet age. This can be said of any group, large or small, without continual and untrammeled access to mass media (television or radio) 15 or 20 years ago and hankering to spread a unique or outlandish message. But conspiracy theorists are a special breed not only for the astounding reach of their complexly puzzling ideas, but also because of the sheer amount of material they produce. Their fingers are as tireless as their minds, and their writing often give the impression that they can somehow operate on planet Earth (at least physically) while enjoying 40-hour days. And nights.
So it is fair to assume that before the Internet became a nexus for anyone in possession of a concept or belief to meet like-minded souls and propagate their claims free of charge, unfettered by limitations of snail-mail, the FCC, and prevailing sanity, cranks were able to distribute only a tiny fraction of their ideas to one another. I imagine that in the main they were forced to stick to theories that were already popular in the mainstream and either not particularly far-fetched (aspects of the JFK assassination) or so nutty as to have fallen into the dustbin of ridicule long ago (moon landings as hoaxes, itself an idea typically borne of its raving, bedwetting stepfather, flat-earthism). Read the rest of this entry »
That title should really read More bullshit from the anti-abortion crowd, but I have good reason to lean toward one requiring quotation marks, as the “letter” I’m about to “discuss” includes a slew of “air quotes,” a favorite “weapon” among America’s more blinkered “observers.”
Next month, Coloradans will vote on Amendment 62, a “personhood” measure that would define a newly fertilized human ovum as a person with constitutionally protected rights and therefore render illegal not only abortion but in vitro fertilization, embryonic stem-cell research, and certain forms of contraception. Anti-choicers tried this same bullshit in 2008 and the measure failed by a 3 to 1 margin in a state that hardly classifies as blue. Amendment 62 is on a course to fail in a similar fashion (Denver Post editorial; “Life” “News”.com whine).
Naturally a lot of the semiliterates and scientific illiterates backing this “initiative” are dutifully dispatching their dyspeptic bullshit to Colorado newspapers. Yesterday’s Post included this triad of prevaricating ignoramuses. Here is the first in its native form: Read the rest of this entry »
Gribbit the right-wing hypocrite may have reached cartoon-character status a long time ago, managing to out-dumb his even most whacked-out peers. If nothing else, though, he is at least reliable in that he continually exemplifies exactly what makes Tea Partiers and other decerebrate reactionaries–in particular those who are curiously enamored of heroically fact-free blogging–such a joke, albeit a sick one given what their numbers say about the mentality of the American citizenry.
Before I get into the main topic, I have to say that I got quite a laugh from seeing that Gribbit is using a plug-in called Blog Protector, which prevents surfers from using right-click and other means to highlight, copy and paste text from the Web page to their clipboards. That this is futile for all sorts of reasons is amusing in itself, but better still is the fact that I am quite certain that the correlation coefficient between “likelihood of using this plug-in” and “likelihood anyone would ever represent your shit as their own work” is very close to -0.9999997. Read the rest of this entry »
Gribbit is no longer clueless about everything under the sun and has begun contributing fact-filled, unimpeachable blog posts
Had you there, didn’t I? I hope not. No, Gribbit, whose blog I hadn’t looked at in many months until today, has not, in fact, become the first-ever victim of terminal right-wing delusional ignorance to make even a partial recovery, much less a complete one.
Buried in the spoiled colostrum of another anti-Obama screed is this wondrously clueless tidbit:
At this point, I’m going to divert from religion to eligibility to be President of the United States. Many who claim Obama is ineligible are attempting to make the case on the ambiguity surrounding the place of his birth. Because the matter of the location of his birth seems to be impossible to prove, I say we should concentrate on making the case based on what we know to be true.
A few things about this wreck of a set-up, leaving out how piss-poor a grasp of language Gribbit possesses despite attempting to use it to the tune of who knows how many hundreds of worthless words a week. First, the “ambiguity” Gribbit notes rests only in the tiny minds of his haters. The issue has been settled by anyone with a direct stake in it. Were there any substance to the rumors about Obama’s birth certificate from Hawaii being fake or insufficient, his political opponents–who possess far more resources to hunt down such things than do shut-in semi-literate bloggers–would have produced it by now. Even Ann Coulter, a longtime idol of Gribbit’s, agrees that “birthers” are out to lunch. Second, when “we” consists of these selfsame small-minded haters, they are in no position to judge what is and is not true. For the singular purpose of taking swings at the political left, they swallow the most outlandish rumors, credit garbage factories like WorldNet Daily with being reliable sources, and engage in furious exercises of hypocrisy so startling in their reach that it is a constant struggle to distinguish this corrupt but sincere nonsense from clever parody. They should say this paryer each morning: Dear God who hath rendered me Brain-Dead, please grant me the Wisdom to Remember Always that an Internet Connection and a Blog doth not giveth an Idiot a Reason to Opine.
Gribbit then lists his reasons for Obama’s alleged ineligibility. Read the rest of this entry »
In a post attempting to address the “ClimateGate” “scandal” that naturally turned out to be complete horseshit (and if you want a sound analysis of this, read this post on EnviroKnow and this one by Chis Mooney), Gribbit writes: Read the rest of this entry »
Sure it is, if your faculties are intact. And of course it isn’t, if you’re a wacknut like those behind the creationist site Answers in Genesis, who have provided an early Hallowe’en trick and treat with their earnest essay explaining the “evidence” for the existence of demons.
The essay is as long-winded as it is loopy, so I won’t address much of the text itself. But the first paragraph signifies the worthlessness of the claims to come:
Haunted houses, ghosts, demons—our Western culture can’t seem to get enough of the spirit world. The latest Gallup poll indicates that 42% of Americans believe in demon possession, 37% believe in haunted houses, and 32% believe in ghosts. (Not just Americans are enthralled—40% of the British believe in haunted houses, too.) Read the rest of this entry »
Gribbit recently took a hiatus from blogging on his own site because he was tired of being beset by facts and reasons from libtards, and spent a week lending his stupidity to the notably ramshackle locus for seething wingnuts that calls itself “Stop the ACLU” despite being neither willing nor able to accomplish that heroic goal. But Gribbit is back, and here’s how he concluded a recent post consisting mostly of a cut-and-pasted e-mail from his hero, U.S. Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio):
It must really suck for Congressional Democrats to know that the normally compliant main stream media is now turning its ire towards you. This same media which distorted the truth in order to get their guy elected President of the United States. This same media which refuses to leave Sarah Palin alone. This same media which has some Marxist Utopian fantasy about how Democrats view the world is now extremely skeptical of those same Democrats and their agenda.
The road to Utopia does not exists. And if it did, the Democrats aren’t on it. Just ask the common North Korean. – Gribbit
So in other words, the “main stream media” is, like, totally biased, and through chicanery even got Obama elected despite the real will of the majority of American voters. But despite this unwavering bias, the media is now refusing to unconditionally cheerlead Democratric machinations, which has never happened before. I mean, the media completely ignored the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, to the point that I have never even heard of a blue dress or a cigar inserted in some intern’s whatzit. And the media has no interest in what Nancy Pelosi knew about waterboarding during Bush’s first term, which is really fucking strange because I keep seeing talk of this on TV. And poor Sarah Palin, who wants no part of the spotlight and has never wanted anything but to be left alone to do her job (when she has one).
But it’s good to know that the road to Utopia does not exists. This make me happys. Because it’s would be a toll road and all of this moneys would just goes to Democrat to feed medias biases anyways.