Never-Asked Questions

Why have you included this list of questions?

Because other bloggers have done the same thing, very cleverly at that.

If people were interested in this information, wouldn’t they have asked these questions by now? I mean, this blog has existed for over five ye–

Shut up, dipshit. We don’t post stuff here because we assume anyone’s interested. We’re solipsists in the extreme and this page is merely an extension of this inclination.

What inspired whoever started the “NAQ” trend in the first place?

We’re pretty sure it was the assortment of “healthy living” blogs hosted by inconsequential, part-time runners and garnering an improbably high number of followers and commenters that include FAQ sections, as if anyone should give a fuck.

Why would you make fun of these blogs? If they are popular in some context, the authors must be doing something right.

Really? Have you opened your eyes and taken a look around? This country is not only steeped in stupid, it veritably champions the lowest forms of cognition imaginable. Twenty years ago someone like Michele Bachmann would have been laughed out of the room after announcing that she was running for president. She’s still a fucking joke, but she’ll get quite a few votes. This country needs a do-over.

Can you give an example of what’s wrong with these blogs?

Already done. Any blog whose author runs fewer miles per week than the number of pictures she posts of herself every day should be derided to the nth degree, since the option of erasing such abominations doesn’t exist.

So what makes this blog better?

Dunno, but it’s gotta be a long list. That’s not setting the bar very high. Maybe we’ll ask our readers to decide this one.

Why are there three of you?

Because we got rid of the fourth one early on.

Didn’t you get a lot more hits when you were in the network?

Yeah, as many as 90,000 a month. But we like it better here, because the only people who continue to read the blog are stalwarts who have something to say. And unlike the shitblogs we note above, we accept and even relish dissent. Since we’re sexy, brilliant and charming in our everyday lives, the last thing we need is a coterie of sycophantic commenters.

How’s that thing working out for you?

Wait, what? How the fuck did you find out about that?

Why “Chimpanzee Refuge”?

Read the “About” page, you simpleton.

Is it true that you get a lot of panties sent to you by snail mail from your female admirers?

Maybe. We don’t usually discuss what the USPS delivers to each of us, although a while ago there was mention of a partially decomposed human foetus.

Have you ever actually won a running race?

Numerous times. If you had six legs, you’d have no excuse for not accomplishing this.

Why do you hate God so much?

The feeling is mutual.

If forced at gunpoint to vote for one of the current GOP front-runners for president, which one would it be?

(Three gunshots immediately ring out in rapid succession; the sound of three bodies hitting the floor one after the other follows.)

Whoa. You never even voted. Hey, you still there? Anyone?

9 thoughts on “NAQ”

  1. He may not be a front runner, but I have a sneaking suspicion that John Huntsman is, unlike his challengers, actually sane. This is a severe handicap in the current GOP meaning that he’ll never get the nod, but it’s nice to know that someone’s out there who isn’t “out there”.

  2. Sorry, I’m on the meth and I had a hand spasm when I was trying to click “post comment,” and it posted my remarks twice. Can you delete one of them so I don’t look like a total dildo on your blog? Or, you could be a real dick and just leave them. Someone else did that to me once. But I assure you the deed did not go unpunished.

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