Who’ll fund my hospital stay after I suffer a hernia from laughing?

(Edit, 12:42 a.m., Dec. 21: In a development that can only be seen as startling in the eyes of people dumb enough to fork over money to Brian Kolfage, he is evidently a lying sack of shit. I still think all of this is funny because I have no idea if those who donated to the cause will get a refund if the whole enterprise topples. I rather hope they don’t.)

I joked the other day about someone starting a GoFundMe campaign to empower private citizens, specifically fuckups, to fund the border wall. For a host of obvious logistical and political reasons, such a thing would be bursting with the potential for disaster and, thus, schadenfreude.

Therefore, shame on me for not immediately realizing that someone from Florida was already on it.

I went to high school with a guy who is also a triple amputee: His frontal lobe and both temporal lobes disappeared sometime between 1988 and 2016. He was making noises about doing this shortly after Trump took office it and slowly started to dawn on him, like a dog that has been basking in the smell of its own farts for years before the day it finally starts looking suspiciously at its own asshole, that maybe Mexico wasn’t as eager to pay for a border wall as Trump had promised.

The reasoning of the many, many fartbaskers just like this fellow now seems to be:

Continue reading “Who’ll fund my hospital stay after I suffer a hernia from laughing?”

I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and then I’ll retire to my bedroom and watch porn

Back in 2004, in the infancy of my own running-centric blogging but more or less at the apex of my overall online rabble-rousing, I was half-jokingly, half-admiringly accused by a friend of being the Rude Pundit, who was himself then part of a new vanguard of uncivil political bloggers. The Rude One was then anonymous, so I suppose it was possible. No matter what my friend — a prominent running author himself at the time — really believed, I was honored by the comparison. I suspect that the Rude Pundit composes his posts in just the same way I used to do my “Bill Eamick” shtick on Letsrun.com: Start by writing a coherent and tactful essay, and then weave in generous amounts of gratuitous profanity and obscene metaphors. Most readers view the result of such a process either a masterful remix or an appalling abandonment of decency. I of course see these as complementary aims, and where appropriate (and often where not), I have done my best to maintain this practice.

Today’s essay by the Rude Pundit takes on a popular idea: If Donald Trump is forced to leave office before his scheduled term ends, a significant fraction of his supernaturally loyal base will rise up in literal rebellion, rampaging about the countryside in an unrestrained show of righteous rage. (The Rude One offers his best gem in his opening sentence with “America’s tallest dipshit, former FBI director James Comey.” Yes, I enjoy life’s simpler pleasures.)

While Trump’s administrative removal from office seems unlikely (the odds that he will suffocate after his flapping jaws misdirect a burger morsel into his trachea appear greater), the notion that his slavish followers would risk anything of real value — be it their very lives or their local moonshine vendor’s Netflix login credentials — to oppose this event is preposterous. Continue reading “I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and then I’ll retire to my bedroom and watch porn”

Adventures in courtroom lying, part 5: Kim Duclos really ought to vet her own stories

This is the fifth in a series of posts about a March 14, 2016 court hearing pertaining to reciprocal restraining orders Kim Duclos (now operating as “I_Code _to _Yacht_Rock” on Reddit) and I had recently petitioned for. In addition to lying to the police on Feb. 26, 2016 about a nonexistent episode of harassment to trigger this whole mess and lying on a restraining-order petition the following Monday (Feb. 29, 2016), Kim lied repeatedly before a judge in court at the hearing (I think there’s a word for that) and has been periodically lying about both the nature of the hearing itself and events addressed in the hearing. She has also continued to hector my friends as well as attempt to interfere with my personal and business life. Ergo, this series of posts, which will reveal even more forcefully what a sociopathic and malevolent liar Kim Duclos is.

Moreover, Kim Duclos is a criminal. Lying to the police, on court paperwork, and in a court hearing itself are crimes, especially when you do make up these stories to try to get someone in trouble. As you’ll see throughout these posts, Kim has the personal ethics of a starving, drunken hyena. I want to emphasize this because of Kim’s frantic and throaty insistence that I’m a dangerous scofflaw myself. 

The audio clips were generated using Audacity and taken from the official .TRM files supplied to me by Boulder District Court. The audio itself has not been altered in any way. The hearing took place from 1:21 p.m. to 3:39 p.m. MST.

In this portion of Kim’s testimony, she, having already gibbered her way through my fictional heckling of her from a truck on Feb. 26, 2016 and then stammered about a nonexistent foot pursuit of her on some unspecified date at about six months earlier, shifts her strategy from recounting events that were impossible for me to have been a part of to describing actions that no human being could realistically have perpetrated.

This four-minute, 16-second clip starts with Kim’s lawyer asking her about a supposed incident involving me swerving at her from a white Honda Civic, which I apparently did in August of 2015. (Between lying to the cops on 2/26/2016 and lying on her court paperwork three days later, Kim apparently forgot the month in which this “happened.”) It ends with her claiming that I had already tried running her down on Baseline Road in Boulder six months before that, this time in the same gray truck that I supposedly again produced just for the purpose of bothering her one year later.

The germane portion of the police report, followed by the relevant parts of the court paperwork: Continue reading “Adventures in courtroom lying, part 5: Kim Duclos really ought to vet her own stories”

Adventures in courtroom lying, part 4: Kim Duclos is extremely chill for a petrified person

This is the fourth in a series of posts about a March 14, 2016 court hearing pertaining to reciprocal restraining orders Kim Duclos (now operating as “I_Code _to _Yacht_Rock” on Reddit) and I had recently petitioned for. In addition to lying to the police on Feb. 26, 2016 about a nonexistent episode of harassment to trigger this whole mess and lying on a restraining-order petition the following Monday (Feb. 29, 2016), Kim lied repeatedly before a judge in court at the hearing (I think there’s a word for that) and has been periodically lying about both the nature of the hearing itself and events addressed in the hearing. She has also continued to hector my friends as well as attempt to interfere with my personal and business life. Ergo, this series of posts, which will reveal even more forcefully what a sociopathic and malevolent liar Kim Duclos is.

Moreover, Kim Duclos is a criminal. Lying to the police, on court paperwork, and in a court hearing itself are crimes, especially when you do make up these stories to try to get someone in trouble. As you’ll see throughout these posts, Kim has the personal ethics of a starving, drunken hyena. I want to emphasize this because of Kim’s frantic and throaty insistence that I’m a dangerous scofflaw myself. 

The audio clips were generated using Audacity and taken from the official .TRM files supplied to me by Boulder District Court. The audio itself has not been altered in any way. The hearing took place from 1:21 p.m. to 3:39 p.m. MST.

Today’s short (1-minute, 49-second) clip picks up the action where the last installment left off. In that gloriously incompetent example of seat-of-the-pants bullshitting, Kim stammered her way through a lie about me attacking her from a truck two weeks earlier. When you fill out a restraining-order petition, it invites you to describe not only the most recent incident that let you to seek the R.O., but as many other examples of your aggressor’s malfeasance as you can fit onto the page — hence this. Kim, who responds to unexpected opportunities to lie about things in roughly the same way ordinary people react to the prospect of a powerful orgasm, obligingly filled the paper with nonsense. Because she knew that everything she was writing wasn’t true, she probably kept details about these non-incidents to a minimum in an effort to look not so much credible but like less of a fabulist. It didn’t work, because she’s a fucking idiot with little imagination and even less composure.

This is the relevant accusation. The most striking thing is that Kim says this incident took place at least six months before the most recent one, yet despite supposedly being somewhere between terrified and troubled, she never reported it to the police or even blogged about it, and later couldn’t remember not only the date but even the month in which it took place.

Continue reading “Adventures in courtroom lying, part 4: Kim Duclos is extremely chill for a petrified person”

Adventures in courtroom lying, part 3: Kim Duclos tries to defend a demonstrably false allegation (audio)

This is the third in a series of posts about a March 14, 2016 court hearing pertaining to reciprocal restraining orders Kim Duclos (now operating as “I_Code _to _Yacht_Rock” on Reddit) and I had recently petitioned for. In addition to lying to the police on Feb. 26, 2016 about a nonexistent episode of harassment to trigger this whole mess and lying on a restraining-order petition the following Monday (Feb. 29, 2016), Kim lied repeatedly before a judge in court at the hearing (I think there’s a word for that) and has been periodically lying about both the nature of the hearing itself and events addressed in the hearing. She has also continued to hector my friends as well as attempt to interfere with my personal and business life. Ergo, this series of posts, which will reveal even more forcefully what a sociopathic and malevolent liar Kim Duclos is.

Moreover, Kim Duclos is a criminal. Lying to the police, on court paperwork, and in a court hearing itself are crimes, especially when you do make up these stories to try to get someone in trouble. As you’ll see throughout these posts, Kim has the personal ethics of a starving, drunken hyena. I want to emphasize this because of Kim’s frantic and throaty insistence that I’m a dangerous scofflaw myself. 

The audio clips were generated using Audacity and taken from the official .TRM files supplied to me by Boulder District Court. The audio itself has not been altered in any way. The hearing took place from 1:21 p.m. to 3:39 p.m. MST.

This installment features Kim Duclos trying to defend the bullshit claim that served as the ultimate catalyst for this court hearing: that on February 26, 2016, I harassed her from a gray pickup truck I was driving near her and her boyfriend Sean’s apartment in Boulder. I’ve covered this here, but listening to Kim — who starts every lie a few points in the hole because she’s too scatterbrained and dumb to fib skillfully — try to simultaneously prop up and desperately modify an obvious falsehood is an exercise any armchair psychologist or fan of schadenfreude should undertake.

In this pitiful shitburst, Kim offers two related but distinct lies: That someone heckled her from a truck while she was running, and that I was the one who did it. I know with 100 percent certainty that the second one is false and I would unhesitatingly bet my life and that of my own mother that the first one is, too. Unless you have mental problems of your own, you’ll soon understand why. Continue reading “Adventures in courtroom lying, part 3: Kim Duclos tries to defend a demonstrably false allegation (audio)”

Adventures in courtroom lying, part 2: Kim Duclos falsely accuses a runner of cheating (audio)

This is the second in a series of posts about a March 14, 2016 court hearing pertaining to reciprocal restraining orders Kim Duclos (now operating as “I_Code _to _Yacht_Rock” on Reddit) and I had recently petitioned for. In addition to lying to the police on Feb. 26, 2016 about a nonexistent episode of harassment to trigger this whole mess and lying on a restraining-order petition the following Monday (Feb. 29, 2016), Kim lied repeatedly before a judge in court at the hearing (I think there’s a word for that) and has been periodically lying about both the nature of the hearing itself and events addressed in the hearing. She has also continued to hector my friends as well as attempt to interfere with my personal and business life. Ergo, this series of posts, which will reveal even more forcefully what a sociopathic and malevolent liar Kim Duclos is.

Moreover, Kim Duclos is a criminal. Lying to the police, on court paperwork, and in a court hearing itself are crimes, especially when you do make up these stories to try to get someone in trouble. As you’ll see throughout these posts, Kim has the personal ethics of a starving, drunken hyena. I want to emphasize this because of Kim’s frantic and throaty insistence that I’m a dangerous scofflaw myself. 

The audio clips were generated using Audacity and taken from the official .TRM files supplied to me by Boulder District Court. The audio itself has not been altered in any way. The hearing took place from 1:21 p.m. to 3:39 p.m. MST.

This picks up where the last installment left off, a little over halfway through the proceeding.

Because Kim Duclos is saddled a with very low level of social awareness, leaving her unable to perceive how her words and actions look to normal people, she made some strange choices in terms of what to present to the court to show that I was supposedly harassing her. Even less helpful were her attempts to refute allegations that she herself was a shit-stirring, lying loon. One of these was was her attempt to explain my website reference to her accusing a New Hampshire runner who was one of my teammates in my CMS days of cheating to win a race that he didn’t even finish. Here are the results.

The link in this passage goes to a screen shot of the public Facebook conversation, which occurred almost a year before Kim’s and my court appearance and was forwarded to me in real time by one of the numerous parties who were already aware of her aggressively off-kilter ways.

At the start of today’s episode of How Do People Get This Fucked Up and Shitty?, an Exhibit 11 was newly under discussion. This item was part of a packet prepared by Kim’s lawyer, who was late to the hearing and came across as some combination of dumb, unmotivated, and under-prepared. The two of them had not actually met before the hearing; I discovered during the proceedings that Kim had e-mailed him a bunch of stuff and he’d entered it all into the record without, in many cases, even knowing why it was there.

Exhibit 11 included a capture of a Facebook message I had recently sent to a quasi-friend of Kim’s (they’re not friends now) plus the screen shot noted above. I’ve magnified that screen shot by breaking it into chunks here. Continue reading “Adventures in courtroom lying, part 2: Kim Duclos falsely accuses a runner of cheating (audio)”

Adventures in courtroom lying, part 1: Kim Duclos dissembles about our “relationship” (audio)

This is the first in a series of posts about a March 14, 2016 court hearing pertaining to reciprocal restraining orders Kim Duclos (now operating as “I_Code _to _Yacht_Rock” on Reddit) and I had recently petitioned for. In addition to lying to the police on Feb. 26, 2016 about a nonexistent episode of harassment to trigger this whole mess and lying on a restraining-order petition the following Monday (Feb. 29, 2016), Kim lied repeatedly before a judge in court at the hearing (I think there’s a word for that) and has been periodically lying about both the nature of the hearing itself and events addressed in the hearing. She has also continued to hector my friends as well as attempt to interfere with my personal and business life. Ergo, this series of posts, which will reveal even more forcefully what a sociopathic and malevolent liar Kim Duclos is.

Moreover, Kim Duclos is a criminal. Lying to the police, on court paperwork, and in a court hearing itself are crimes, especially when you do make up these stories to try to get someone in trouble. As you’ll see throughout these posts, Kim has the personal ethics of a starving, drunken hyena. I want to emphasize this because of Kim’s frantic and throaty insistence that I’m a dangerous scofflaw myself. 

The audio clips were generated using Audacity and taken from the official .TRM files supplied to me by Boulder District Court. The audio itself has not been altered in any way. The hearing took place from 1:21 p.m. to 3:39 p.m. MST.

I’m starting in the middle because overall, this makes the most sense. This clip starts at 2:40 p.m., about halfway through the entire charade. Here, Kim’s lawyer asks her to explain what kicked off our coach-athlete relationship.

Before giving this a listen, bear in mind that Kim at various times since this court proceeding has declared that I never coached her at all. Here’s one example, an e-mail she sent to USATF-New England in early June of this year.

This message, sent in reference to an interview Kim gave without my knowledge in December 2009 or January 2010, actually includes numerous lies, at least one of which could get her sued. But for now, focus on the “I have never had any connection to Beck” part, which is ludicrous even by the standards of Kim’s unrestrained dissembling. This is someone who has repeatedly referred to me as an abusive coach, a drunken coach, a failed coach, et cetera (and by the way, we’ve only been in the same room three times not including this court appearance, never alone and never when anyone was drinking, unless Kim herself was sneaking a few nips).

In this 3-minute, 37-second MP3 clip, Kim gives her version of events. I will describe what she says and intersperse commentary, but will reserve my most pointed editorializing until the end of the post. Continue reading “Adventures in courtroom lying, part 1: Kim Duclos dissembles about our “relationship” (audio)”