1,000 days and a million heartfelt “recovery” banalities

Certain people (me, for example) believe that they are basically fuckups at least as often as not when it comes to anything that matters. Whether this is true only or mostly in the hapless, entropy-soaked silt comprising our own thinking apparatus is irrelevant so long as the belief is persistent and powerful. So at the moment, quite apart from those who are currently using substances to escape reality in a manner that could be termed pathological,” it’s not hard to find people who have already tried that route and are instead struggling mightily against the pain of not hurting themselves on purpose, because the means of warding off the significant discomfort that can accompany merely existing in modern society almost always incur a cost.

And that’s really what not submitting to an unwanted craving of any sort is all about: I will refuse to treat this awful rage and irrational madness I have this second by dumping alcohol into my head, because the long-term benefits of resisting outweigh the ultra-short-term “benefits,” and the longer-term costs of ephemeral reassurance from a toxic chemical clearly outweigh the benefits. Or more succinctly, “this too shall pass,” though I avoid invoking even the more innocuous of the Christianity-based slogans that basically define the colossal shityard of terrible ideas Bill Wilson and Bob Smith introduced in the late 1930s known as Alcoholics Anonymous.

There are surely at least 50 million American adults who at this moment are in the grip of a compulsive behavior that will eventually land them in jail, a medical institution, in rehab or something much like it, or on a slab, probably before the age of 50, if it hasn’t already. (One of the joys of blogging for a small audience is that I can make up numbers as long as I admit it, or blow up backing up things I happen to know are true. I spend a great deal of my day harvesting hyperlinks and putting them in Web documents, and this is obviously my time to kick back and discuss how much I enjoy life.) Continue reading “1,000 days and a million heartfelt “recovery” banalities”

Christians: Why should anyone believe ideas you plainly reject yourself?

There are many compelling reasons to reject the idea that the Christian god is real. Most of these center, properly, on the lack of evidence for God and the undeniable and ever-growing body of evidence against innumerable biblical claims, while others encompass the inconsistencies and myriad logical contradictions within the Bible itself. More circumstantially, it’s impossible to not notice that some of the most ardent believers in the God of the Bible are either under the lash of mental illness, not very intelligent or both; the correlation between slack-jawed inbred yokelism and religiosity in the United States is practically unity. (This makes a certain sense, since the God of the Bible is a psychotically childish dipshit.) And it is undeniably true that no Christian who really believes that Christianity is about moral goodness could possibly support Donald Trump, and in fact should be calling for his death by stoning or whatever means is most convenient. Yet Christians are Trump’s most energetic supporters. They are a shitstain on American society and the world in general, and if all of them were swept up in a tsunami and dashed to pieces screaming against a rocky cliff, the rest of us would be vastly better off.

Often ignored in everyday evaluations of Christian nonsense, however, is the fact that the most ardent supporters of God, Evangelicals, clearly don’t believe in the God of the Bible themselves. Even if they did, it would be incumbent upon reasonable people to either ignore, deride or actively fight their incessant lunacy, depending on the circumstances. I won’t go so far as to say the world would be better off without belief in things that are demonstrably untrue, because, standing alone, fictional narratives (e.g., literature, films) can offer people a great deal of comfort in an uncaring universe. But the would be far better off without religion, and aggressive religious leaders of any faith should be met with proportional derision and their efforts opposed absolutely.

Continue reading “Christians: Why should anyone believe ideas you plainly reject yourself?”

Who’ll fund my hospital stay after I suffer a hernia from laughing?

(Edit, 12:42 a.m., Dec. 21: In a development that can only be seen as startling in the eyes of people dumb enough to fork over money to Brian Kolfage, he is evidently a lying sack of shit. I still think all of this is funny because I have no idea if those who donated to the cause will get a refund if the whole enterprise topples. I rather hope they don’t.)

I joked the other day about someone starting a GoFundMe campaign to empower private citizens, specifically fuckups, to fund the border wall. For a host of obvious logistical and political reasons, such a thing would be bursting with the potential for disaster and, thus, schadenfreude.

Therefore, shame on me for not immediately realizing that someone from Florida was already on it.

I went to high school with a guy who is also a triple amputee: His frontal lobe and both temporal lobes disappeared sometime between 1988 and 2016. He was making noises about doing this shortly after Trump took office it and slowly started to dawn on him, like a dog that has been basking in the smell of its own farts for years before the day it finally starts looking suspiciously at its own asshole, that maybe Mexico wasn’t as eager to pay for a border wall as Trump had promised.

The reasoning of the many, many fartbaskers just like this fellow now seems to be:

Continue reading “Who’ll fund my hospital stay after I suffer a hernia from laughing?”

I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and then I’ll retire to my bedroom and watch porn

Back in 2004, in the infancy of my own running-centric blogging but more or less at the apex of my overall online rabble-rousing, I was half-jokingly, half-admiringly accused by a friend of being the Rude Pundit, who was himself then part of a new vanguard of uncivil political bloggers. The Rude One was then anonymous, so I suppose it was possible. No matter what my friend — a prominent running author himself at the time — really believed, I was honored by the comparison. I suspect that the Rude Pundit composes his posts in just the same way I used to do my “Bill Eamick” shtick on Letsrun.com: Start by writing a coherent and tactful essay, and then weave in generous amounts of gratuitous profanity and obscene metaphors. Most readers view the result of such a process either a masterful remix or an appalling abandonment of decency. I of course see these as complementary aims, and where appropriate (and often where not), I have done my best to maintain this practice.

Today’s essay by the Rude Pundit takes on a popular idea: If Donald Trump is forced to leave office before his scheduled term ends, a significant fraction of his supernaturally loyal base will rise up in literal rebellion, rampaging about the countryside in an unrestrained show of righteous rage. (The Rude One offers his best gem in his opening sentence with “America’s tallest dipshit, former FBI director James Comey.” Yes, I enjoy life’s simpler pleasures.)

While Trump’s administrative removal from office seems unlikely (the odds that he will suffocate after his flapping jaws misdirect a burger morsel into his trachea appear greater), the notion that his slavish followers would risk anything of real value — be it their very lives or their local moonshine vendor’s Netflix login credentials — to oppose this event is preposterous. Continue reading “I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and then I’ll retire to my bedroom and watch porn”

Adventures in courtroom lying, part 5: Kim Duclos really ought to vet her own stories

This is the fifth in a series of posts about a March 14, 2016 court hearing pertaining to reciprocal restraining orders Kim Duclos (now operating as “I_Code _to _Yacht_Rock” on Reddit) and I had recently petitioned for. In addition to lying to the police on Feb. 26, 2016 about a nonexistent episode of harassment to trigger this whole mess and lying on a restraining-order petition the following Monday (Feb. 29, 2016), Kim lied repeatedly before a judge in court at the hearing (I think there’s a word for that) and has been periodically lying about both the nature of the hearing itself and events addressed in the hearing. She has also continued to hector my friends as well as attempt to interfere with my personal and business life. Ergo, this series of posts, which will reveal even more forcefully what a sociopathic and malevolent liar Kim Duclos is.

Moreover, Kim Duclos is a criminal. Lying to the police, on court paperwork, and in a court hearing itself are crimes, especially when you do make up these stories to try to get someone in trouble. As you’ll see throughout these posts, Kim has the personal ethics of a starving, drunken hyena. I want to emphasize this because of Kim’s frantic and throaty insistence that I’m a dangerous scofflaw myself. 

The audio clips were generated using Audacity and taken from the official .TRM files supplied to me by Boulder District Court. The audio itself has not been altered in any way. The hearing took place from 1:21 p.m. to 3:39 p.m. MST.

In this portion of Kim’s testimony, she, having already gibbered her way through my fictional heckling of her from a truck on Feb. 26, 2016 and then stammered about a nonexistent foot pursuit of her on some unspecified date at about six months earlier, shifts her strategy from recounting events that were impossible for me to have been a part of to describing actions that no human being could realistically have perpetrated.

This four-minute, 16-second clip starts with Kim’s lawyer asking her about a supposed incident involving me swerving at her from a white Honda Civic, which I apparently did in August of 2015. (Between lying to the cops on 2/26/2016 and lying on her court paperwork three days later, Kim apparently forgot the month in which this “happened.”) It ends with her claiming that I had already tried running her down on Baseline Road in Boulder six months before that, this time in the same gray truck that I supposedly again produced just for the purpose of bothering her one year later.

The germane portion of the police report, followed by the relevant parts of the court paperwork: Continue reading “Adventures in courtroom lying, part 5: Kim Duclos really ought to vet her own stories”

Adventures in courtroom lying, part 4: Kim Duclos is extremely chill for a petrified person

This is the fourth in a series of posts about a March 14, 2016 court hearing pertaining to reciprocal restraining orders Kim Duclos (now operating as “I_Code _to _Yacht_Rock” on Reddit) and I had recently petitioned for. In addition to lying to the police on Feb. 26, 2016 about a nonexistent episode of harassment to trigger this whole mess and lying on a restraining-order petition the following Monday (Feb. 29, 2016), Kim lied repeatedly before a judge in court at the hearing (I think there’s a word for that) and has been periodically lying about both the nature of the hearing itself and events addressed in the hearing. She has also continued to hector my friends as well as attempt to interfere with my personal and business life. Ergo, this series of posts, which will reveal even more forcefully what a sociopathic and malevolent liar Kim Duclos is.

Moreover, Kim Duclos is a criminal. Lying to the police, on court paperwork, and in a court hearing itself are crimes, especially when you do make up these stories to try to get someone in trouble. As you’ll see throughout these posts, Kim has the personal ethics of a starving, drunken hyena. I want to emphasize this because of Kim’s frantic and throaty insistence that I’m a dangerous scofflaw myself. 

The audio clips were generated using Audacity and taken from the official .TRM files supplied to me by Boulder District Court. The audio itself has not been altered in any way. The hearing took place from 1:21 p.m. to 3:39 p.m. MST.

Today’s short (1-minute, 49-second) clip picks up the action where the last installment left off. In that gloriously incompetent example of seat-of-the-pants bullshitting, Kim stammered her way through a lie about me attacking her from a truck two weeks earlier. When you fill out a restraining-order petition, it invites you to describe not only the most recent incident that let you to seek the R.O., but as many other examples of your aggressor’s malfeasance as you can fit onto the page — hence this. Kim, who responds to unexpected opportunities to lie about things in roughly the same way ordinary people react to the prospect of a powerful orgasm, obligingly filled the paper with nonsense. Because she knew that everything she was writing wasn’t true, she probably kept details about these non-incidents to a minimum in an effort to look not so much credible but like less of a fabulist. It didn’t work, because she’s a fucking idiot with little imagination and even less composure.

This is the relevant accusation. The most striking thing is that Kim says this incident took place at least six months before the most recent one, yet despite supposedly being somewhere between terrified and troubled, she never reported it to the police or even blogged about it, and later couldn’t remember not only the date but even the month in which it took place.

Continue reading “Adventures in courtroom lying, part 4: Kim Duclos is extremely chill for a petrified person”

Adventures in courtroom lying, part 3: Kim Duclos tries to defend a demonstrably false allegation (audio)

This is the third in a series of posts about a March 14, 2016 court hearing pertaining to reciprocal restraining orders Kim Duclos (now operating as “I_Code _to _Yacht_Rock” on Reddit) and I had recently petitioned for. In addition to lying to the police on Feb. 26, 2016 about a nonexistent episode of harassment to trigger this whole mess and lying on a restraining-order petition the following Monday (Feb. 29, 2016), Kim lied repeatedly before a judge in court at the hearing (I think there’s a word for that) and has been periodically lying about both the nature of the hearing itself and events addressed in the hearing. She has also continued to hector my friends as well as attempt to interfere with my personal and business life. Ergo, this series of posts, which will reveal even more forcefully what a sociopathic and malevolent liar Kim Duclos is.

Moreover, Kim Duclos is a criminal. Lying to the police, on court paperwork, and in a court hearing itself are crimes, especially when you do make up these stories to try to get someone in trouble. As you’ll see throughout these posts, Kim has the personal ethics of a starving, drunken hyena. I want to emphasize this because of Kim’s frantic and throaty insistence that I’m a dangerous scofflaw myself. 

The audio clips were generated using Audacity and taken from the official .TRM files supplied to me by Boulder District Court. The audio itself has not been altered in any way. The hearing took place from 1:21 p.m. to 3:39 p.m. MST.

This installment features Kim Duclos trying to defend the bullshit claim that served as the ultimate catalyst for this court hearing: that on February 26, 2016, I harassed her from a gray pickup truck I was driving near her and her boyfriend Sean’s apartment in Boulder. I’ve covered this here, but listening to Kim — who starts every lie a few points in the hole because she’s too scatterbrained and dumb to fib skillfully — try to simultaneously prop up and desperately modify an obvious falsehood is an exercise any armchair psychologist or fan of schadenfreude should undertake.

In this pitiful shitburst, Kim offers two related but distinct lies: That someone heckled her from a truck while she was running, and that I was the one who did it. I know with 100 percent certainty that the second one is false and I would unhesitatingly bet my life and that of my own mother that the first one is, too. Unless you have mental problems of your own, you’ll soon understand why. Continue reading “Adventures in courtroom lying, part 3: Kim Duclos tries to defend a demonstrably false allegation (audio)”